


Someone Revoke Their Internet Access

by kamala_khan_for_president



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: All the kids are friends, Canon Compliant, I'm just too lazy to type out all the relationships, Multi, Post-Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Texting, Twitter
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-06
Updated: 2020-03-21
Packaged: 2020-04-11 21:14:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 26,147
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19117843
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kamala_khan_for_president/pseuds/kamala_khan_for_president
Summary: Post-Avengers: Endgame.Wanda Maximoff creates a group chat and adds Cooper, Lila, Shuri, Peter, Harley and Cassie. Chaos quickly ensues





	1. Chapter 1

**Wanda Maximoff created the group chat “the kiddos”**

**Wanda Maximoff added Cooper Barton**

**Wanda Maximoff added Lila Barton**

**Wanda Maximoff added Harley Keener**

**Wanda Maximoff added Peter Parker**

**Wanda Maximoff added Shuri Udaku**

**Wanda Maximoff added Cassie Lang**

**Wanda:** There’s a group chat for the actual Avengers, but we need one for the kiddos

 **Wanda:** Mainly because the adults are boring™

 **Lila:** we are in the same room as mom and dad

 **Lila:** dont make me tell them that you think theyre boring

 **Cooper:** And I will tell them that you can’t use basic grammar

 **Lila:** do it

 **Lila:** i fucking dare you

 **Wanda:** Lila Barton?!?!?!? Swearing?!?!?!?!?

 **Wanda:** What has the world come to?

 **Cassie: @Wanda Maximoff** you’re living with the Bartons???

 **Wanda:** Well, I couldn’t exactly stay at the Compound. It was slightly blown up

 **Peter:** Slightly!?

 **Peter:** Bitch, all that’s left is a crater

 **Wanda:** Smaller crater than what’s left of Novi Grad

 **Cassie:** You people are weird

 **Cassie:** I like that

 **Harley:** I was warned that befriending the Avengers would lead to weirdness. I should’ve listened

 **Harley:** Also, **@Wanda Maximoff** how do you have my number?

 **Wanda:** A magician never reveals her secrets

 **Harley:** You’re a witch

 **Harley:** How did you do it?

 **Wanda:** …

 **Wanda:** I asked Pepper

 **Harley:** Goddammit

 **Shuri:** Do you people have any idea what time it is in Wakanda right now?

 **Shuri:** It’s four in the morning

 **Peter:** Then why are you online?

 **Shuri:** That’s not the point of the conversation

 **Shuri:** When are we all next in the same place at the same time?

 **Wanda:** Next week, I think

 **Peter:** Yeah, we’re all meant to be there when they open the new Avengers’ headquarters

 **Lila:** theyve made a new place already

 **Cooper:** Please use correct grammar

 **Cooper:** I am begging you

 **Lila:** then beg bitch

 **Cassie:** Dad said that they apparently they already had backup headquarters just in case something happened

 **Cassie:** They’ve just needed time to get everything set up

 **Shuri:** All those in favour of christening the new HQ with its first prank, please say aye

 **Harley:** Aye

 **Lila:** i

 **Cooper:** I hate you so much

 **Cooper:** Aye

 **Cassie:** Aye

 **Wanda:** Aye

 **Peter: @Wanda Maximoff** can they fire us from the Avengers?

 **Wanda:** Don’t think so, but we’re understaffed as is, so they wouldn’t even if they could

 **Peter:** Ok, aye

 **Shuri:** Does anyone have any ideas?

_Several people are typing…_

***

**Dad - > Lila**

**Dad:** What are you three up to?

 **Lila:** What makes you think we’re up to something?

 **Dad:** Well, for starters you just sent me a message with correct grammar, so clearly you’re trying to cover something up

 **Dad:** But also all three of you keep grinning at each other from across the room

 **Lila:** O ye of little faith, we are up to nothing

 **Lila:** Can three siblings just not enjoy being in the same room and enjoy each other’s company?

 **Dad:** Somehow, I just don’t believe

***

**Dad - > Cooper**

**Dad:** What’s going on with you lot?

 **Cooper:** Why would be up to something?

 **Cooper:** We are Good Innocent Children™

 **Dad:** I have never trusted you less in my life

 **Cooper:** Completely valid, have a nice day

***

**Papa Hawk - > Wanda**

**Papa Hawk:** What are you planning?

 **Papa Hawk:** Don’t try and deny anything. I know that you lot are up to something and you are the ringleader

 **Wanda:** I am up to nothing and neither are Cooper and Lila

 **Papa Hawk:** I don’t trust any of you, but I don’t think I’m going to get anything out of you

 **Papa Hawk:** But I’m keeping an eye on you

 **Wanda:** k

 **Papa Hawk:** One more question: am I still saved as “Papa Hawk” in your phone?

 **Wanda:** No

***

**the kiddos**

**Wanda:** _attached screenshot­_

**Wanda:** _attached screenshot­_

**Wanda:** He’s onto us

 **Lila:** he was texting me 2

 **Cooper:** Same here

 **Shuri:** Papa Hawk, lmao

 **Shuri:** So, is everyone in on the plan?

 **Shuri:** And does everyone know what they need to bring?

 **Wanda:** I’ve ordered the glitter from Amazon

 **Peter:** Already bought the balloons

 **Harley:** I’m going to buy the helium canisters before

 **Lila:** stolen some of dads trick arrow

 **Lila:** the ones that split into multiple arrows

 **Cassie:** I’ve got a grammar workbook for Lila

 **Lila:** wait what

 **Wanda: @Cassie Lang** you are contributing the most to this and I am so grateful

 **Lila:** bitch

***

_Wanda Maximoff @scarlet­_bitch_

Can’t wait to see everyone else again at the opening of the new Avengers’ Headquarters next week

_Spider-Man @rea­l­_spiderman_

          @scarlet_bitch So excited

_Shuri @memeprincess_

        @scarlet_bitch It’s gonna be great

_Clint Barton @officialhawkeye_

      @scarlet_bitch What do you guys have planned

_Laura Barton @l_barton_

          @scarlet_bitch @officialhawkeye honey they don’t have anything planned

_Pepper Potts-Stark @si_ceo_

        @scarlet_bitch @officalhawkeye Should we be worried?

                  _C_ _lint Barton @officalhawkeye_

                 @scarlet_bitch @si_ceo Yes

_Laura Barton @l_barton_

               @scarlet_bitch @officialhawkeye @si_ceo no

***

**Spidey-Squad**

**MJ: @Peter Parker** what are you planning?

 **Peter:** I’m not spoiling anything, you’ll just have to wait and see

 **MJ:** What, are you going to post whatever you’re planning online?

 **Peter:** No, you guys and Aunt May are going to be there

 **Peter:** Although, Harley said he’d be able to get us the CCTV footage

 **Ned:** WE’RE GOING TO BE AT THE OPENING OF THE NEW AVENGERS’ HQ OPENING

 **Peter:** 😊

 **Ned:** AFTGYDHULISGJEAKJBFDK;ASFNKSABJDFVLKDASHFSD

 **Ned:** DFGJA;GKAGD’JKLAEOIJGDNVWEOI

 **Peter: @Ned Leeds** are you okay?

 **Ned:** FVYGIHOIPJNEAROIV;NPRA;BN I

 **MJ:** I think you broke him

***

**the kiddos**

**Peter:** _attached screenshot_

**Peter:** lol


	2. Chapter 2

**the kiddos**

**Wanda:** Everyone know what they’re doing?

 **Harley:** Helium cannisters are in the back of my car ready

 **Peter:** The balloons have just arrived, have you got the glitter?

 **Wanda:** In my bag

 **Lila:** ive packed the bow and arrows

 **Shuri:** Why the h*ck are you incapable of using correct grammar?

 **Cooper:** Why did you censor the word heck?

 **Shuri:** Because it’s a fucking bad word, Barton, that’s why

**Cassie:** _attached photo showing a picture of a grammar workbook_

**Cassie:** I’ve got the grammar workbook uwu

 **Lila:** i fuckin hate u

 **Cassie:** Nah, you love me uwu

 **Lila:** no i don’t uwu

 **Wanda:** Are we just ending all texts with uwu?

 **Harley:** It appears so uwu

 **Cooper:** I hate all of you uwu

 **Peter:** Yet here you are, joining in uwu

 **Cassie:** It appears I have started something uwu

 **Shuri:** You have uwu

 **Wanda: @Lila Barton @Cooper Barton** Papa Hawk is calling us, we gotta get in the car now or he’s leaving us now

 **Lila:** is that all that yelling is

 **Cooper:** Y’know, unlike our Dad, we’re not deaf. We can hear

 **Peter:** Hawkeye’s deaf?

 **Cooper:** Partially, he uses S.H.I.E.L.D. high-tech hearing aids to hear

 **Lila:** he was stabbed in the head by a clown and it ruptured his eardrums

 **Cooper:** Ironically this wasn’t when he was working in the circus

 **Shuri:**????

 **Peter:** What the actual fuck?

 **Harley:** Hawkeye just got a lot more interesting

**Wanda:** _attached photo of a selfie her, Cooper and Lila in the back seat of the Barton’s car_

**Wanda:** We’re on our way!!!!!!!!!!

 **Peter:** That’s a lot of exclamation marks…

 **Wanda:** I’m excited, okay. Leave me the h*ck alone

 **Cooper:** Really?

 **Cooper:** You too?

 **Wanda:** What? It’s a fucking bad word

 **Wanda:** I’m trying to keep this group chat clean and pure you smol babies

 **Harley:** I’m older than you

 **Wanda:** By like a year

 **Wanda:** And that’s only because you didn’t spend five years as a pile of dust

 **Harley:** Touché

 **Cassie:** Imagine if you had stayed conscious and aware of everything when you got turned into dust

 **Cassie:** Like, you could see and hear everything and talk. But you were just like a pile of dust

 **Shuri:** Cassie what the fuck?

 **Cassie:** I have been in this car for six hours already

 **Cassie:** I can’t sleep in the car and I am slowly going insane

 **Peter:** Are you guys driving across country from San Francisco?

 **Cassie:** Yeah, Dad loves road trips. So I’m stuck in the back of my car, with my Dad and Hope being overly cute, for the next three days

 **Lila:** lmao were only driving for the one day

 **Cooper:** Lila, I am begging you, for once in your life, use a goddamn apostrophe

***

“Fuck off Cooper,” Lila muttered. She froze when she realised that she’d said it aloud rather than on the group chat. Wanda and Cooper immediately cracked up, whilst Clint and Laura seemed horrified.

“Lila Katherine Barton, what did you just say?” Laura said in a voice that was too calm for Lila’s liking.

“I told Cooper to frick off…” Lila replied in attempt to try and cover her tracks.

“That’s not what you said,” Clint said. Wanda and Cooper continued laughing at the girl, ignoring the glares she was shooting them as her parents told her off.

***

 **Peter:** We’re not leaving for another couple of days

 **Shuri:** You live less than hour away

 **Shuri:** We’re not leaving Wakanda until tomorrow

 **Harley:** I’m leaving Tennessee tonight

 **Peter:** Don’t have much longer to wait

 **Harley:**??

 **Peter:** Soon you’ll be free

 **Harley:** Fuck off

 **Cooper:** We were going to leave tomorrow, but they want Dad there a day before everyone else starts arriving for something with the original Avengers

 **Wanda:** So we get to all tag along early

 **Cassie: @Lila Barton** you’re being uncharacteristically quiet right now, what’s wrong?

 **Wanda:** She told Cooper to fuck off, so mom took her phone

  **Peter:** OHMYGOD

 **Shuri:** I’m surprised Laura let her live

 **Shuri:** I mean, I’m presuming Nate’s in the car as well

 **Wanda:** He is, but thankfully he is asleep otherwise dad might’ve killed her lmao

***

**Cooper - > Mom**

**Cooper:** _attached screenshot_

**Cooper:** Your attempts at parenting an Avenger are working

***

_Wanda Maximoff @scarlet_bitch_

@l_barton is crying and no one will tell me why

_Cooper Barton @minihawk_

        @scarlet_bitch I may have sent her a screenshot of the group chat where you called her mom….

_Wanda Maximoff @scarlet_bitch_

                   @minihawk you lil shit

_Shuri @memeprincess_

       @scarlet_bitch @minihawk you broke her

***

**the kiddos**

**Harley:** I’VE JUST HAD A GREAT IDEA

 **Shuri:** I’m worried but also hella excited

 **Shuri:** Is that a bad thing?

 **Cassie:** No, it’s fine and a mood™

**Harley:** _attached photo_

**Harley:** I FOUND MY POTATO GUN

 **Wanda:** Please bring it, I beg of thee

 **Harley:** I am

 **Harley:** I would never leave something that could cause chaos at home

 **Peter:** You are now Potato Man and an official member of the Avengers

 **Wanda:** I’m not sure you’re allowed to just add new people

 **Wanda:** You’re still a newbie

 **Peter:** _Technically_ I’ve been on the Avengers for five years now

 **Wanda:** _Technically_ you died on your first day

 **Peter:** Okay, maybe you have a point, maybe

 **Wanda:** I know I have a point because I have been an Avenger for longer than you and managed to go three years before getting killed

 **Cassie:** She wins uwu

 **Shuri:** Are we back to using the uwu?

 **Cassie:** It was a crime that we ever stopped in the first place tbh uwu

 **Shuri:** Okay uwu

 **Harley:** uwu

 **Peter:** uwu

 **Wanda:** uwu

 **Cooper:** uwu

***

**Spidey-Squad**

**Peter:** The opening is going to be pure chaos, you’re gonna love it uwu

 **MJ:** Did you seriously just say uwu?

 **Peter:** Didn’t mean to, we were just ending every message on the kiddos group chat with uwu

 **Ned:** Seems valid uwu

 **Ned:** But what’s the kiddos chat?

 **Peter:** It’s me, Wanda Maximoff, Cooper and Lila Barton, Shuri, Cassie Lang and Harley Keener uwu

 **MJ:** Sounds like pure chaos uwu

 **MJ:** Have fun uwu

 **Peter:** Will do uwu

 **MJ:** uwu

 **Ned:** uwu

***

**the kiddos**

**Peter:** _attached screenshot_

**Peter:** The uwus have spread uwu

 **Cassie:** My work here is done uwu

***

 **Lila:** mom finally let me have my phone back what did i miss

**_Several people are typing…_ **


	3. Chapter 3

**the kiddos**

**Harley: @Peter Parker** where are you?

 **Peter Parker:** Just left home, why?

 **Harley:** How is it the person that lives closet to the new headquarters is the last one there?

 **Peter: @Shuri Udaku** isn’t there yet

**Shuri:** _attached photo of her with Wanda, Cooper and Harley_

**Shuri:** Bitch you thought

 **Peter:** Where’s Cassie and Lila?

**Cassie:** _attached photo of Lila reluctantly doing the grammar workbook_

**Cassie:** We’re busy right now

 **Peter:** …

 **Peter:** Well, we’ll be there soon

 **Wanda:** Is it just you and May coming?

 **Peter:** My friends Ned and MJ are coming as well

 **Shuri:** And MJ’s the one you have a crush on

 **Peter:** NO

 **Cassie:** You seemed to answer that rather forcefully

 **Peter:** No I did not

 **Cooper:** You know, denial isn’t just a river in Egypt

 **Peter:** That doesn’t work as well written down

 **Lila:** Don’t go changing the subject

 **Peter:** Was that a sentence using grammar?

 **Cassie:** It appears that the grammar workbook is working

 **Cassie:** And that Peter is changing the subject

 **Peter:** Y’all are the worst and I am muting this chat

 **Lila:** He’s not denying it…

***

_Peter @yeeterparker_

@officialhawkeye @l_barton your kids are being mean to me

_Flash Thompson @notthatflash_

     @yeeterparker omg, stop pretending to know the Avengers, this is just getting sad at this point

_Laura Barton @l_barton_

    @yeeterparker so sorry about them Peter, talking to them right now

_Flash Thompson @notthatflash_

         @yeeterparker @l_barton wtf

_MJ @mjones_

             @yeeterparker @l_barton @notthatflash suck it Eugene

  

_Wanda Maximoff @scarlet_bitch_

@yeeterparker is a fucking snitch

_Cooper Barton @minihawk_

    @scarlet_bitch @yeeterparker ^^

_Lila Barton @babyhawk_

    @scarlet_bitch @yeeterparker ^^

_Flash Thompson @notthatflash_

    @scarlet_bitch @yeeterparker wtf is happening

_MJ @mjones_

        @scarlet_bitch @yeeterparker @notthatflash what’s wrong? Can’t handle the fact that Peter was telling the truth?

***

**AcaDec**

**Flash: @Peter Parker** what the fuck is happening on twitter?

 **MJ:** Are you talking about the fact that Peter’s talking with the Avengers?

 **Flash:** YES, HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?!?

 **Peter:** Because I know them from the Stark internship…

 **Peter:** The one I’ve been talking about for years

 **Flash:** That’s a thing??

 **Flash:** For real?

 **Peter:** Yeah, we’re literally on our way to the new headquarters for the opening right now

 **Flash:** We?

 **Ned:** Yeah, me and MJ are going as well

 **MJ:** May and her boyfriend are driving us there

 **Peter:** WTF, May doesn’t have a boyfriend and Happy is driving us

 **MJ:** Oh honey…

 **Peter:** What?

 **Sally:** I’ve never even met these people, but even I know they’re dating

 **Abe:** ^^^

 **Ned:** lmao, he’s just sat staring out the window

 **MJ:** We broke him, lol

***

**Lila - > Cassie**

**Lila:** I’ve done the grammar workbook, please be proud of me

 **Cassie:** 😍

 **Cassie:** I’m so proud of you uwu

 **Lila:** Please don’t start with the uwus again

 **Cassie:** There’s nothing you can do to stop me uwu

 **Lila:** PLEASE

 **Cassie:** I cannot be stopped, only joined uwu

 **Cassie:** Just give in uwu

 **Lila:** Fine… uwu

 **Cassie:** Knew you’d come around eventually uwu

 **Lila:** I hate you uwu

 **Cassie:** Nah, you love me really 😘 uwu

 **Lila:** …

 **Cassie:** **😘😘😘** uwu

***

**Lila - > New Fave Sibling**

**Lila:** _attached screenshot_

**Lila:** WANDA WHY IS SHE SENDING ME KISSY FACE EMOJIS?

 **Lila:** WANDA IS SHE FLIRTING WITH ME?

 **Lila:** WANDA

 **New Fave Sibling:** Nice use of punctuation

 **Lila:** WANDA THIS IS NOT HELPING

***

**Wanda Maximoff created the group chat “(most of) the kiddos”**

**Wanda Maximoff added Cooper Barton**

**Wanda Maximoff added Peter Parker**

**Wanda Maximoff added Harley Keener**

**Wanda Maximoff added Shuri Udaku**

**Wanda:** _attached screenshot_

**Wanda:** lmao

 **Cooper:** OHMYGOD

 **Shuri:** 👀👀👀

 **Harley:** Well this is going to be interesting

 **Peter:** Are we all going to be collectively third wheeling in the main group chat from now on?

 **Wanda:** It appears so

***

**the kiddos**

**Shuri:** Y’all fuckers ready for the chaos?

 **Lila:** We may have an issue?

 **Wanda:** May?

 **Shuri:** At least it’s not her grammar

 **Lila:** Dad’s onto us

 **Wanda:** Shit

 **Harley:** I got this

 **Peter:** How?

 **Harley:** Distraction

 **Cooper:** Does anyone know why several potatoes just went flying into the wall?

 **Cooper:** Oh, never mind

 **Cooper: @Harley Keener** nice shot, I think some of the potatoes are actually stuck to the wall

 **Harley:** Told you that bringing the potato gun was a good idea

 **Wanda:** We never doubted you

 **Shuri:** Okay, here we go

***

**Spidey-Squad**

**Ned:** Oh my god

 **MJ:** Well, it was nice knowing you Parker

***

_Wanda Maximoff @scarlet_bitch_

This is probably the last thing I’ll ever tweet before the rest of the Avengers fucking kill, was nice knowing y’all [attached video showing a large number of balloons floating up to the high ceiling. Seconds later, several arrows began to fly towards the balloons, splitting into more as they went. They pierced the balloons, causing glitter to start raining down onto the group gathered below. Wanda let out of loud laugh from behind the camera. Laura turned around to face Wanda, a mad looked on her face. “Wanda Marya Maximoff” she snapped just before the video ended]

_Peter Parker @yeeterparker_

    @scarlet­_bitch it was a good ride

_Shuri @memeprincess_

    @scarlet_bitch it was nice knowing you all

_Harley Keener @potatogun_

    @scarlet­_bitch we had a good run

_Laura Barton @l_barton_

    @scarlet­_bitch you’re grounded

_Wanda Maximoff @scarlet_bitch_

        @l­_barton that’s fair

***

**AcaDec**

**Flash: @Peter Parker** what the actual fuck just happened at the Avengers HQ?

 **Ned:** Peter can’t answer his phone right now, him and the others are being made to clean up all the glitter

**MJ:** _attached photo of the group clearing up the glitter_

**MJ:** We’re sat watching them

 **Ned:** Yeah, we’ve been told to make sure that Wanda doesn’t just use her powers to clean it up

 **Charles:** You guys have fun

**MJ:** _attached photo of Peter Parker flipping off the camera_

**MJ:** Don’t worry, we are

***

**the kiddos**

**Harley:** Well, that was fun

 **Harley:** The glitter balloons, not clearing the glitter up

 **Harley:** Guys?

 **Harley:** GUYS?

***

**the kiddos**

**Harley:** GUYS?!?!?!

***

**the kiddos**

**Lila: @Harley Keener** what did you want?

 **Harley:** Where was everyone yesterday?

 **Wanda:** You’re the only one here without an adult to take your phone off you for covering them in glitter

 **Harley:** Oooh, rip

 **Wanda:** Press f to pay respects

 **Harley:** f

 **Lila:** f

 **Cooper:** f

 **Cassie:** f

 **Peter:** f

 **Shuri:** f

*******

**Lila - > Cassie ** **💖💖💖**

**Lila:** You doing anything today?

 **Cassie:** Only things I had planned for the trip were the prank and doing the grammar workbook with you and those both worked out pretty well uwu

 **Cassie:** So, no, I haven’t got anything planned uwu

 **Lila:** Want to go into the city and explore a bit?

 **Lila:** Happy said he’d drive us there and back

 **Cassie:** Sure, it’s a date 😉 uwu

***

**Lila - > New Fave Sibling**

**Lila:** _attached screenshot_

**Lila:** WANDA SHE CALLED IT A DATE AND THEN SENT A WINKY FACE, WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?

 **Lila:** WANDA HELP

 **Wanda:** Have fun

 **Lila:** WANDA

*******

**(most of) the kiddos**

**Wanda:** _attached screenshot_

**Cooper:** And the plot thickens

 **Harley:** How much are people willing to bet that they’re together before we go home next week?

 **Peter:** $20 says it happens

 **Shuri:** ???

 **Shuri:** Teenage wlw? Making a move and getting together? Yeah right

 **Shuri:** $20 says it doesn’t happen

***

**Laura - > Clint**

**Laura:** Is fourteen a normal age to start dating?

 **Clint:** Is Lila going on a date?

 **Laura:** She was going to go out with Cassie later and is now having a minor freak-out because Cassie called it a date

 **Laura:** She would also like it to be made clear that she is fourteen and a half

 **Clint:** What

***

**Clint - > Scott**

**Clint:** I think our daughters are dating

 **Scott:** Wait, what?


	4. Chapter 4

**the kiddos**

**Peter:** Are we planning on more chaos before we go home?

 **Shuri:** I’m actually offended that you feel you have to ask that

 **Shuri:** Of course we’re planning on more chaos

 **Peter:** Good, because I have a plan, but I need help with something

 **Cooper:** I’m scared to ask

 **Peter:** I need help dying my web fluids to look like silly string and then put it in silly string cans

 **Wanda:** Dare I ask why?

 **Peter:** When we spray it everywhere, they’ll think it’s just normal silly string, but they’re wrong

 **Peter:** So wrong

 **Peter:** It’s webs and they take forever to dissolve and are a pain to get down

 **Shuri:** You’re terrible, I’m in

 **Shuri:** Meet you in the lab?

 **Peter:** Sure

 **Harley: @Shuri Udaku** if I joined you, could you improve the potato gun?

 **Harley:** It would be much appreciated

 **Shuri:** I’ve already had a few ideas for how to improve the potato gun

 **Harley:** Shuri, you are an angel

 **Shuri:** I know

 **Lila:** Me and Cassie have plans today, but you guys have fun

 **Cassie:** ^^

***

**(most of) the kiddos**

**Harley:** They think they’re being so sneaky, don’t they

 **Cooper:** I know, it’s kinda funny

 **Wanda:** So much for wlw being useless

 **Peter:** Speaking of **@Shuri Udaku** pay up bitch

 **Shuri:** I refuse to accept defeat until I have official confirmation

***

**Lila - > Cassie ** **💖💖💖**

**Lila:** Do you think we got away with it?

 **Cassie** **💖💖💖:** Yeah totally uwu

 **Lila:** Please stop doing that

 **Cassie:** Never uwu

 **Lila:** *sigh* uwu

 **Cassie:** **😃** uwu

***

**the kiddos**

**Wanda:** Hypothetically, if I were to be stuck in the air vents, would someone be able to come to the hallway between the swimming pool and the gym and unscrew the grill and let me down

 **Wanda:** Hypothetically of course

 **Cooper:** On my hypothetical way with a stepladder and screwdriver

 **Wanda:** Thank you, hypothetically

 **Cooper:** Anything for my favourite sister

 **Wanda:** Only favourite sister?

 **Cooper:** Nate is not yet old enough to try and fight for the title of favourite sibling

 **Harley:** What did Wanda do to win the title?

 **Peter:** Or what did Lila do to lose it?

 **Cooper:** Lila knows what she did

 **Lila:** I said I was sorry

 **Lila:** And you’re overreacting

 **Cassie:** What happened? uwu

 **Harley:** Do you have that set up as an automatic signature?

 **Cassie:** No, I am consciously putting in the time and effort to type it out at the end of each text because I know it annoys you all uwu

 **Harley:** I respect the dedication, but not the uwus

 **Cassie: @Lila Barton** tell me what happened bitch uwu

 **Lila:** It doesn’t matter, Cooper’s being ridiculous, as per usual

 **Cooper:** She ate the last of the fucking frosties

**Peter:** _Lila, that was you_

**Peter:** I hate you

 **Peter: @Wanda Maximoff** is my favourite Barton sister as well

 **Wanda:** 😊

 **Wanda:** Also, I am no longer hypothetically stuck in the air vents, although my hands are now covered in purple dye

 **Harley:** Why? And why were you in the air vents in the first place?

 **Wanda:** Hypothetically?

 **Harley:** Of course

 **Wanda:** I was hiding from the cleaning staff, didn’t want them to catch me adding something to the pool

 **Wanda:** And on a completely unrelated note, nobody go into the pool unless you want to end up bright purple

 **Cassie:** Wanda, that’s hilarious uwu

 **Wanda:** Thank you uwu

 **Harley:** Here we go again

 **Shuri:** Yo, **@Lila Barton @Cassie Lang** you guys are trending on twitter

***

**Reluctant Responsible Adults**

**Pepper: @Laura Barton @Clint Barton @Scott Lang** your kids are trending on twitter

 **T’Challa:** Please tell me my sister wasn’t involved, I promised our mother that I wouldn’t let her cause too much chaos

 **Scott:** Bit late for that, isn’t it?

 **Laura: @Pepper Potts-Stark** why are they trending on twitter?

 **Pepper:** Just look

***

_I <3 Thor @avengers_stan_

holy shit I think I just saw @antgirl and @babyhawk on a date !!!! [attached photos of Lila and Cassie. The first is of them in a coffee shop sat opposite each other, laughing at something that one of them had said. The second was of the two leaving the coffee shop. They were holding hands and Lila had her head rested on Cassie’s shoulder as they were walking]

_Valkyrie can step on me @assgardians_

                @avengers_stan OMG!!!!!

 

***

**Mom - > Lila**

**Mom:** Hurry and get back here as soon as you can

 **Lila:** Will do

***

**the kiddos**

**Cassie:** We’re at taco bell, anybody want anything?

 **Shuri:** You’re being stalked by paparazzi, why are you in taco bell?

 **Wanda:** I want my brother back

 **Cassie: @Shuri Udaku** we wanted taco bell, so we’re getting taco bell

 **Lila: @Wanda Maximoff** we’ve got like 12 dollars

 **Harley:** I know Cassie and Lila’s relationship and all that is currently a big deal, but have y’all seen what Matt Damon said in an interview?

 **Lila:** What?

 **Harley:** He said Loki disguised as Odin kidnapped him and took him to Asgard to act in a play about his life

 **Cooper:** Did he at least say which part he got?

 **Harley:** He was Loki

 **Peter:** It’s what he deserves

 **Shuri:** Please tell me someone has a recording; I think the Academy needs to see it

 **Lila:** People are being creepy and homophobic on twitter :/

 **Cassie:** I hadn’t even come out to my parents yet, but this is fun 🙃🙃

 **Peter:** oOF

***

**Scott - > Peanut**

**Scott:** Are you and Lila okay?

 **Peanut:** We’re both fine, we’re almost back now

 **Peanut:** Can I just say not a good way to come out

 **Peanut:** No stars 0/10 would not recommend

 **Scott:** I’m sure your mom and Paxton will understand

 **Peanut:** And what about you?

 **Scott:** What about me?

 **Peanut:** I never told you, or Hope

 **Peanut:** The only person I ever told was Uncle Luis while I was living with him whilst you were all gone

 **Scott:** You came out to me and Hope like a week ago

 **Peanut:**?????

 **Peanut:** When?

 **Scott:** In the car on the way here. You were like half asleep in the back and just blurted it out and then went back to singing along to whatever you listening to

 **Peanut:** I have literally no memory of that ever happening, but so long as you’re okay with it

 **Scott:** Of course I am, you’re my daughter and I love you

 **Peanut:** I love you too

***

**(most of) the kiddos**

**Peter: @Shuri Udaku** _pay up bITCH_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eliza_Rose wrote a fic inspired by this one called this was a mistake and y'all should go check it out, it's funny as shit and actually updates (unlike me lmao)


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't sleep so have another chapter

**the kiddos**

**Shuri: @Peter Parker** where the fuck are you?

 **Peter:** Listen and you shall find me

 **Shuri:** wtf

 **Shuri:** Is this meant to be some deep shit?

 **Shuri:** Like, am I meant to listen to my heart to find my friends when they could just _fucking text me_

 **Wanda: @Shuri Udaku** he isn’t being deep, I followed the sound of Blackpink and found him in the gym

 **Cassie:** I KNEW I COULD HEAR BLACKPINK UWU

 **Cassie:** omw my fellow blink uwu

 **Peter: @Cassie Lang** who is your bias?

 **Cassie:** Rosé, duh uwu

 **Peter:** *offended gasp* but what about Jisoo

 **Harley:** This is Jennie erasure

 **Lila:** HOLY SHIT HOW MANY PEOPLE IN THIS CHAT ARE BLINKS?

 **Lila:** Also, y’all are clearly sleeping on real talent, Lisa

 **Peter:** I think it’s just us four and Shuri

 **Cassie: @Shuri Udaku** you have the deciding vote uwu

 **Shuri:** Lisa, obviously

 **Harley:** HOW DARE YOU

 **Peter:** Someone’s about to get hit with that ddu-du ddu-du

***

**the kiddos**

**Cooper:** Why are Cassie, Lila, Shuri, Peter and Harley beating each other up with pillows?

 **Cooper:** Oh, never mind

 **Wanda:** This wouldn’t have happened if they’d stanned Red Velvet

 **Cooper:** wtf

***

**the kiddos**

**Harley:** We have less than 7 hours until we all leave and go home, are we planning anything else?

 **Harley:** We need one good prank to end on

 **Shuri:** Well, I’ve already rigged the fridge to play Senorita by (G)I-DLE every time it’s opened

 **Harley:** Completely valid, would you like to visit me in Tennessee and do the same to my fridge?

 **Shuri:** Sounds fun

 **Lila: @Cooper Barton** just asked me who (G)I-DLE are and pronounced the name wrong lmao

 **Wanda:** THE G IS SILENT COOPER

 **Cooper:** I have no idea what’s going on anymore

***

**the kiddos**

**Cassie:** We’re leaving in like an hour, where is everyone? uwu

 **Wanda:** I’m with Peter and Shuri in the dance studio

**Wanda:** _attached video of the three of them doing the dance to TT by Twice_

**Wanda:** Feel free to join

 **Cooper:** wot

***

**the kiddos**

**Cassie:** I know our cars haven’t even gotten off the drive already, but I miss y’all already uwu

 **Shuri:** Same

 **Shuri:** Currently sat in the jet with my face pressed against the window watching you guys leave

 **Peter:** I can see you, lmao

**Peter:** _attached blurry and overly zoomed-in photo where Shuri’s face can be seen pressed against the window of the Wakandan jet_

**Harley:** I miss you guys to

 **Cooper:** Why are you texting???

 **Cooper:** You’re supposed to be driving

 **Harley:** Speak to text

 **Harley:** It’s not prefect, but it works well enough

 **Lila:** Ah shit

 **Cassie:** What’s wrong? uwu

 **Cooper:** Mom just told us we’re stopping in Ohio on our way home to visit our grandparents

 **Lila: @Wanda Maximoff** is currently repeatedly hitting her head against the window

**Lila:** _attached video of Wanda repeatedly hitting her head against the window_

**Wanda:** I’ve met Mom’s parents once, before the Accords, when I was kinda awkwardly existing at the farm over the holidays

 **Cooper:** They weren’t exactly her biggest fans

 **Wanda:** KILL ME

 **Peter:**??

 **Lila:** Mom just said we’re staying there overnight

 **Peter:** Oh, rip

***

**the kiddos**

**Wanda:** I never thought I’d miss Iowa this much

 **Harley:** That bad question mark

 **Shuri: @Harley Keener** still using to speech to text, I see

**Wanda:** _attached location_

**Wanda:** Someone send a kill squad, kthanksbye

***

**Rhodey - > Peter**

**Rhodey:** Why does the fridge keep playing kpop whenever I open it?

 **Peter:** I have nothing to do with that

 **Peter:** Ask Shuri

 **Rhodey:** Why are you kids like this?

***

_Wanda Maximoff @scarlet­_bitch_

I miss you so much [attached photo that’s just a map of Iowa]

***

**Papa Hawk - > Wanda**

**Papa Hawk:** _attached screenshot_

**Papa Hawk:** Are you okay?

 **Wanda:** No, Mom’s parents are mean, and I want to go home

 **Papa Hawk:** That’s completely understandable

 **Papa Hawk:** And why is your twitter username scarlet_bitch?

 **Wanda:** Because I’m a bad bitch, you can’t kill me

 **Papa Hawk:** Wanda, you were literally dead for five years

***

**the kiddos**

**Cassie:** Snapping by Chung Ha is honestly such a bop, but is kinda an inappropriate release considering the post-snap climate we were living in 2019 uwu

 **Peter:** Cassie, wtf, it’s 3am, why are you still awake?

 **Cassie:** I can’t sleep in the car and we’re still driving uwu

 **Cassie:** Why are YOU still awake? uwu

 **Peter:** I forgot to put my phone on silent and this woke me up

 **Cassie:** You’re welcome

 **Cooper:** Can we please have one conversation that doesn’t involve kpop?

**Lila:** _attached screenshot of spotify with the song no by clc playing_

**Cooper:** I hate all of you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *aggressively projects own music taste onto characters in a fic*
> 
> For reference, this is the dance they were doing: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9uypQGzzhns&t=90s


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cassie: I spy with my little eye something that is going to scar me for life
> 
> Lila: Dead body?
> 
> Harley: Car crash?
> 
> Cooper: Two dead bodies?
> 
> Shuri: Your cousin apparently kill your brother?
> 
> Peter: Your third father figure die in front of you?
> 
> Wanda: Unexploded bomb in your home that could explode and kill you and your brother at any second

**the kiddos**

**Cooper:** Mom yelled at Grandma this morning before because she was being mean to Wanda and Dad and now Grandma called her and they’re arguing again

 **Harley:** We stan a legend

 **Peter:** How bad was she being?

 **Wanda:** Not too bad

 **Lila: @Wanda Maximoff** bitch you were crying

 **Wanda:** That doesn’t mean anything

 **Wanda:** I can and will cry over literally anything

 **Shuri:** Can confirm she cried when I showed her a cute video of a puppy and kitten playing together

 **Wanda:** See, I cry a lot

 **Cassie:** Wanda, are you okay?

 **Wanda:** Fine

 **Cassie:** Now we’ve got that sorted, anyone want to play I spy?

 **Peter:** We’re not all together, how is that going to work?

 **Cassie:** I spy with my little eye something that is going to scar me for life

 **Lila:** Dead body?

 **Harley:** Car crash?

 **Cooper:** Two dead bodies?

 **Shuri:** Your cousin apparently kill your brother?

 **Peter:** Your third father figure die in front of you?

 **Wanda:** Unexploded bomb in your home that could explode and kill you and your brother at any second?

 **Cassie:** What? No! My Dad and Hope flirting

 **Cassie:** Are you guys okay?

 **Shuri:** Fine, Killmonger didn’t actually kill T’Challa

 **Cassie:** That’s not what I meant, but okay

 **Cassie:** How do I get my Dad and Hope to stop flirting?

 **Lila:** Have you tried screaming?

 **Cassie:** I haven’t, thanks for the suggestion

  **Harley:** I’m not sure that’s a good idea

 **Cassie:** See, you say that, but it worked

 **Harley:** I take it back

 **Cassie:** Unfortunately, my Dad and Hope now think I’m weird

 **Lila:** You are weird

 **Cassie:** I’m being bullied by my girlfriend 😥

 **Cassie:** But, yeah, you’ve got a point

 **Cooper: @Cassie Lang** what happened to the uwus?

 **Peter:** WHY WOULD YOU ASK HER THAT?

 **Shuri:** What have you done?

 **Cassie: @Cooper Barton** thanks for reminding me uwu

 **Cooper:** You’re welcome

***

**James “Rhodey” Rhodes created the group chat “Avengers and Co”**

**James “Rhodey” Rhodes added Thor Odinson**

**James “Rhodey” Rhodes added Steve Rogers**

**James “Rhodey” Rhodes added Clint Barton**

**James “Rhodey” Rhodes added Bruce Banner**

**James “Rhodey” Rhodes added Wanda Maximoff**

**James “Rhodey” Rhodes added Sam Wilson**

**James “Rhodey” Rhodes added Bucky Barnes**

**James “Rhodey” Rhodes added T’Challa Udaku**

**James “Rhodey” Rhodes added Shuri Udaku**

**James “Rhodey” Rhodes added Laura Barton**

**James “Rhodey” Rhodes added Cooper Barton**

**James “Rhodey” Rhodes added Lila Barton**

**James “Rhodey” Rhodes added Scott Lang**

**James “Rhodey” Rhodes added Hope Van Dyne**

**James “Rhodey” Rhodes added Cassie Lang**

**James “Rhodey” Rhodes added Peter Parker**

**James “Rhodey” Rhodes added Harley Keener**

**James “Rhodey” Rhodes added Pepper Potts**

**James “Rhodey” Rhodes added Okoye**

**Rhodey:** I have a feeling that I’m going to regret making this soon

**Shuri Udaku changed the group chat name to “Avengers and Ho”**

**Rhodey:** And I already do

 **Pepper:** That was quick

 **Okoye:** That happens when people add Shuri to chats. You should have seen what happened when she was in the Dora Milaje group chat

 **Laura:** Why did you add her to the Dora Milaje group chat?

 **Okoye:** We didn’t, she added herself

 **Shuri:** 😊

 **Cassie:** lmao uwu

 **Steve:** Why are you sending uwus?

 **Cooper:** Please don’t ask

 **Wanda:** She texts like this in our group chat as well

 **Scott:** And she texts me like this as well

 **Hope:** Same here

 **Cassie:** Y’all be doing it eventually

 **Bruce: @James “Rhodey” Rhodes** why did you add Thor? He’s in space at the moment

 **Rhodey:** So he can keep in touch whenever he’s back on Earth

 **Rhodey:** Tbh, it felt wrong to make a group chat without including all the founding Avengers I could

 **Thor:** That’s very kind of you

 **Peter:**???

 **Clint:** What the hell?

 **Harley:** HOW DO YOU HAVE SIGNAL?!?!?!

 **Thor:** The sweet rabbit managed to add something to the ship’s communications that allows me to keep in contact with my friends on Earth

 **Sam:** Rabbit?

 **Rhodey:** He’s talking about Rocket, the raccoon on the Guardians

 **Steve:** He doesn’t know the difference between rabbits and raccoons

 **Laura:** At this point I’m not even surprised

 **Cassie:** About Thor not knowing the difference between rabbits and raccoons or the fact that a raccoon created an intergalactic phone tower? uwu

 **Laura:** Yes uwu

 **Cassie:** Fair enough uwu

 **Lila:** *whispers* the uwus have spread

**Wanda:** _And they’ve got Mom uwu_

**Lila:** WANDA I THOUGHT YOU WERE ON MY SIDE

 **Wanda:** I’M SORRY uwu

 **Bucky:** Are you people always like this?

 **Peter:** Yes

 **Shuri:** Yes

 **Peter:** Jinx

 **Shuri:** Jinx

 **Peter:** Jinx again

 **Shuri:** Jinx again

 **Peter:** Our mental synchronisation, can have but one explanation

 **Shuri:** No

 **Peter:** Okay

***

**Cooper - > Magic Sis**

**Cooper:** Why is Lila’s music so loud?

 **Magic Sis:** Because she’s gay

 **Cooper:** What does that have to do with the volume of her music?

 **Magic Sis:** She’s listening to Hayley Kiyoko

 **Cooper:** Fair point

***

**the kiddos**

**Wanda:** We’re finally home bitch

 **Lila:** I can’t wait to be back in my own bed

 **Cassie:** God I wish that was me uwu

 **Cassie:** We still have another day to go and my Dad and Hope are being insufferable uwu

 **Cooper:** I could feel the sadness and pain in that uwu

 **Cassie:** So much pain

 **Cassie:** uwu

***

**Wanda Maximoff created the group chat “Baby Bartons”**

**Wanda Maximoff added Cooper Barton**

**Wanda Maximoff added Lila Barton**

**Wanda:** I’m hungry

 **Cooper:** It’s 1 am

 **Wanda:** Yeah, but I’m hungry

 **Lila:** Same

 **Wanda:** I want a McFlurry™

 **Lila:** SAME

 **Cooper: @Wanda Maximoff** you can drive, why don’t you just go get one?

 **Lila:** Can I come?

 **Cooper:** Actually, can I as well?

 **Wanda:** Meet me at the car in five minutes

 **Wanda:** And don’t let Mom and Dad hear you

 **Lila:** Will do

 **Cooper:** On our way

***

**the kiddos**

**Wanda:** _attached photo of three McFlurries_

**Wanda:** We got McDonalds bitch

 **Cassie:** What time is it where you are? Uwu

 **Wanda:** McDonalds o’clock uwu

 **Cassie:** Okay, that’s fine uwu

***

_Carrie_ _💕💕_ _| stan loona @carriej_

holy shit I think I just served @scarlet_bitch @babyhawk @ironhawk at my mcdonalds drive thru

***

**Reluctant Responsible Adults**

**Rhodey: @Clint Barton @Laura Barton** according twitter, your kids were at McDonald’s at 1:30 this morning

 **Clint:** Of fucking course

***

**Barton Fam**

**Clint:** Whose genius idea was it to go get McDonald’s at 1am?

**Wanda: @Cooper Barton**

**Cooper:** Bitch

 **Cooper:** And you’re the one that said they wanted a McFlurry

 **Lila:** And you’re the one that said she could just drive to McDonald’s

 **Wanda:** And I would like to say that I didn’t make them come with me, they both asked to come

 **Laura:** I’m not even surprised at this point

***

**Baby Bartons**

**Wanda Maximoff changed the group chat name to “Grounded Bartons”**

**Cooper:** Seems fitting

***

**the kiddos**

**Cassie:** I’m home!!

 **Cassie:** At long last I can sleep in my own bed

**Cassie:** _attached video of her throwing herself into her bed_

***

**Sharon - > Clint**

**Sharon:** How quickly can you get back to New York?

 **Clint:** Why?

 **Sharon:** It’s Steve

***

**the kiddos**

**Cassie:** It has been three (3) minutes since I got into bed and Dad is making me leave already. Whyyyyyyy?

 **Cassie:** Oh shit

 **Cassie:** Never mind, he’s told me why

 **Wanda:** We’re coming to get you guys in the quinjet

 **Harley:** What’s going on?

 **Lila:** Uncle Steve is sick. Sharon Carter texted Dad so we’re going back to New York to see

 **Harley:** Oh shit

 **Shuri:** We’re coming back too

 **Cooper:** It can’t be good if Sharon is trying to get everyone here as quick as possible

 **Peter:** I’ll see you guys when you get to New York


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wanda: Apparently I had “an extremely unstable childhood and traumatic teenage years” and Dad and Fury think I need therapy
> 
> Cooper: I mean, we could’ve told you that

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Far From Home spoilers if you haven't seen it yet

**the kiddos**

**Cassie:** I wanted us all to be in the same place again, but not like this

 **Wanda:** How close are you guys to the church?

 **Wanda:** We’re already here

 **Shuri:** About ten minutes out

 **Peter:** In honour of Cap’s memory, everyone share their favourite memory of him

 **Peter:** Mine is the time that he dropped a walkway on me at an airport in Germany

 **Wanda:** That was pretty cool

 **Wanda:** Mine is that time he was nice to me on a crashing train in South Korea even though I’d been working with Ultron like twenty minutes beforehand

**Shuri:** _attached photo of Steve with an annoyed look on his face_

**Shuri:** That’s his face the moment Bucky told him he’d named his dumbest goat Steve

 **Cassie:** He kept coming to check up on me and Uncle Luis after the snap. He’d never met me before, but he wanted to make sure that his onetime teammate’s family was okay

 **Cassie:** Or at least what was left of his family

 **Cooper:** Honestly, the look of complete confusion when he realised that we existed was pretty good

 **Lila:** That was a good day

 **Lila:** Mine is from that day as well, when he was ripping logs in half with his bare hands

 **Lila:** Auntie Nat got a video and saved it on to the computer at home, I’ll send it when we get home

 **Harley:** Mine is when he came to visit Tony at the lake house when I was there and he had a conversation with the two of us, just looked at me and went “oh god, there’s two of them”

 **Shuri:** Me and my brother are here now, I’ll see you inside

 **Wanda:** I hate funerals

***

**Wanda - > Papa Hawk**

**Wanda:** Why are you making weird gestures at me?

 **Papa Hawk:** I’m beckoning you over

 **Wanda:** Oh, that makes sense

 **Wanda:** Why?

 **Papa Hawk:** Because I need you to come over here and talk to Fury

 **Wanda:** Fury’s here?

 **Papa Hawk:** Yeah, he’s with me at the back at church

 **Wanda:** That makes sense, he likes lurking

 **Papa Hawk:** Are you coming here or not?

 **Wanda:** On my way, did not forget that’s what you literally just asked me to do

***

**Grounded Bartons**

**Cooper: @Wanda Maximoff** what were you and Dad talking about earlier?

 **Wanda:** I have no idea what you were talking about

 **Lila:** At the funeral, when you two were hiding at the back of the church with Uncle Nick

 **Wanda:** That’s none of your business and you need to drop it

***

**Lila - > Dad**

**Lila:** What’s going on with Wanda?

 **Dad:** That’s up to her to tell you when she decides to

 **Lila:** 😖

***

**the kiddos**

**Lila: @Wanda Maximoff** where the fuck are you?

 **Wanda:** In the car with Dad on the way to Des Moines

 **Cooper:** Has this got anything to do with what you, Dad and Uncle Nick were talking about the other day?

 **Peter:** Is this a S.H.I.E.L.D. thing? Are you guys going on a mission?

 **Wanda:** No, Dad’s taking me to a S.H.I.E.L.D. therapist and the nearest S.H.I.E.L.D. medical facility is in Des Moines

 **Wanda:** Apparently I had “an extremely unstable childhood and traumatic teenage years” and Dad and Fury think I need therapy

 **Cooper:** I mean, we could’ve told you that

 **Peter:** ^^

 **Wanda:** Why are people ganging up on me?

 **Wanda:** All that’s happened to me is I grew up in a war torn country, lost my parents at age ten, lived on the streets, lost my brother and city on the same day, tortured by the government in an underwater prison, lived as international fugitive for two years, had to kill my boyfriend in an attempt to save the universe, watch a mad titan kill said boyfriend by ripping out part of his face and then was dead for five years only to come back and find out two of my teammates have died saving everyone

 **Shuri:** Yeah, you need therapy

 **Wanda:** No, I don’t

 **Lila:** You forgot to mention that time that you got tricked into being a human guinea pig for Nazis

 **Wanda:** Okay, so me and Pietro and a load of the other kids we knew from streets were lied into thinking we were going to help save our country but instead were used for Hydra human experimentation

 **Harley:** There were others? What powers did they get?

 **Wanda:** They didn’t, we watched them die whilst we waited for it to be our turn to be experimented on

 **Wanda:** Maybe I do need therapy

 **Cassie:** You don’t say

 **Cooper:** The fact that Uncle Nick agreed that you needed therapy should’ve been an indicator that you need therapy

 **Wanda:** In retrospect, you do have a point

 **Cassie:** Have fun in therapy

 **Wanda:** Thanks!

 **Wanda:** I can’t imagine it’ll be any fun, but thanks anyway

***

**Cassie- > Harley**

**Cassie:** I’ve just realised something amazing

 **Harley:** What?

 **Cassie:** We have so many opportunities at our disposal

 **Harley:** Cassie, what the fuck are you talking about?

 **Cassie:** The others missed out on five years of memes

 **Harley:** Holy shit

 **Harley:** I now actually really sad for them, they missed out on some really good memes

 **Cassie:** That’s so sad, Alexa, play despacito

***

**the kiddos**

**Wanda:** Hey guys, guess who is mentally fucked up?

 **Lila:** You?

 **Wanda:** Hell yeah

 **Wanda:** I probably shouldn’t be acting like this about severe mental trauma

 **Cooper:** Probably not

 **Wanda:** I’ll stop

 **Shuri:** That’ll probably be best

 **Wanda: @Peter Parker** when do you leave for Europe?

 **Peter:** Next week and are you okay?

 **Wanda:** Probably not, but let’s change the subject

 **Cassie:** Yeah, **@Peter Parker** are you going to ask out that girl you liked?

 **Shuri:** OOOOOOH PETER HAS A CRUSH?!?!?!?!?

**Harley:**

**Peter:** You guys already knew about this, you’ve literally met her, why are you acting like this?

 **Cassie:** Are you going to ask MJ out?

 **Peter:** I have a plan™

 **Peter:** Also, **@Harley Keener** what the fuck is that?

 **Harley:** It’s surprised pikachu

 **Harley:** He’s a meme

 **Peter:** I’ve never seen him before

 **Lila:** Same

 **Cooper:** Me neither

 **Wanda:** Or me

 **Shuri:** I have literally never heard of surprised pikachu before

 **Harley:** What, did you think that memes stayed the same while you were gone?

 **Cassie: @Peter Parker @Wanda Maximoff @Cooper Barton @Lila Barton @Shuri Udaku** when they realise that memes haven’t stayed the same while they were dead for five years

**Peter:** I hate this

 **Harley: @Cassie Lang** should we tell them about the grape?

 **Lila:** The grape?

 **Cassie:** They did surgery on a grape

 **Wanda:** I’M SORRY, THEY DID FUCKING WHAT?

 **Harley:** Surgery on a grape, keep up

 **Shuri:** I can’t ever die again I can’t be behind on the memes like this

 **Peter:** It’s kinda upsetting actually

 **Harley:** That’s so sad

 **Cassie:** Alexa, play despacito

 **Cooper:** I’m not sure I want to know

***

**the kiddos**

**Peter:** I’m off to Europe now, see you guys in a week

 **Cassie:** Have fun

 **Lila:** Bye

 **Wanda:** Tell my home I miss it

 **Peter:** I’m not going to Sokovia

 **Wanda:** You’re on the right continent, close enough

***

**the kiddos**

**Cooper: @Peter Parker** are you okay

 **Cassie:** Yeah, we saw what happened on the news uwu

 **Peter:** No one’s dead and Venice is still standing, so I’d say all is goo

 **Peter: @Cassie Lang** I was beginning to think you’d given up on the uwus

 **Cassie:** I had a momentary lapse in memory, and I shall make up for it uwu

 **Cassie:** uwu uwu uwu uwu uwu uwu uwu uwu, uwu

 **Lila:** Did you go back, count your messages and send us all the uwus you missed?

 **Cassie:** Yes, the one after the comma is the one for the end of that message uwu

 **Cassie:** I didn’t count the ones from the funeral, because that was a serious and sad time and I acted like an adult that didn’t use uwus out of respect uwu

 **Peter:** Good for you uwu

 **Peter:** Fuck

 **Peter:** Also, I made a friend. His name is Mysterio and he’s cool

 **Wanda:** He sounds great uwu

 **Wanda:** Shit

***

**the kiddos**

**Peter:** We’re on the coach on our way to Prague and I almost killed one of my classmates

 **Shuri:** Only almost? Pathetic

 **Cassie:** Yike uwu

 **Cooper:** Which one?

 **Peter:** Brad Davis

 **Cooper:** I have no idea who that is, I don’t know why I asked

***

**the kiddos**

**Peter:** If you don’t hear from me again for a while, I need you to know that if he tries to get to any of you that you can’t trust Mysterio

 **Wanda:** I never trusted him anyway

**Lila:** _attached screenshot of group chat: **Wanda:** He sounds great uwu_

**Wanda: @Lila Barton** shut your mouth

***

**the kiddos**

**Wanda: @Peter Parker** are you okay?

 **Peter:** I’m great, me and MJ are officially dating now

 **Peter:** I do hurt though

 **Lila:** What happened? Last we heard you were going to tell Fury about Mysterio

 **Peter:** Turned out that was actually Mysterio in disguise and he fought me. He had me pinned in a corner when it hit me

 **Cassie:** What hit you? uwu

 **Peter:** Well, it certainly wasn’t a plan

 **Peter:** It was a train

**Harley:**

**Peter:** I woke up in the Netherlands and then fought him in London and won

 **Peter:** He was shot by one of his own drones

 **Peter:** The rest is a bit of a blur, but I have a girlfriend now

 **Peter:** Also, Aunt May and Happy might be dating

 **Cooper:** Yeah, we already knew that, you’ve just been in denial

 **Peter:** No I haven’t, I’m going to have a nap now

 **Wanda:** That’s definitely denial

 **Wanda:** I should know, we discussed it a lot in therapy

 **Harley: @Wanda Maximoff** are you okay?

 **Wanda:** No

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me, stood outside marvel HQ with a megaphone: Acknowledge the severe trauma you've put Peter and Wanda through and let them have a rest


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wanda: Bregant
> 
> Wanda: Pregat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote in prose for the first time in I don't want to think how long

**the kiddos**

**Cassie: @Peter Parker** when I said have a nice time in Europe, I didn’t mean get framed for murder uwu

 **Peter:** I’ll be sure to leave it off the itinerary next time

 **Peter:** Not that there will be a next time considering I’m a fugitive

 **Wanda:** Crossing international borders as a fugitive is actually very easy, I’ll show you how if you want

 **Cooper:** You lived with us half the time whilst you were a fugitive

 **Lila:** Yeah, you and Auntie Nat kept sneaking in and out without the FBI noticing

 **Wanda:** And the other half the time I kept sneaking across international borders to meet up with my boyfriend, so shut up

**Harley:**

**Peter:** Is this another meme that we missed?

 **Cassie:** Yes, and it was a good one uwu

 **Shuri:** I’m sorry, you left a place where you were safe, able to hide from the authorities and were with people you considered family and treated you like a member of the family just so you could go fuck Vision?

 **Wanda:** Yes

 **Wanda:** And I have zero regrets

 **Harley:** So, was he any good?

 **Lila:** Harley, what the fuck?

 **Peter:** Why are you like this?

 **Harley:** What?

 **Harley:** Vision was a synthetic person, something that had never been made before, are you not curious about how.. y’know… _human like_ he was?

 **Shuri:** No

 **Cassie:** I think it’s just you

 **Lila:** You forgot the uwu

 **Cassie:** I’m too disgusted to uwu right now

 **Wanda:** I’m not answering that question

***

**Wanda - > Harley**

**Wanda:** You know that question you asked about Vision on the main chat?

 **Harley:** Yeah, what about it?

 **Wanda:** Very good

 **Harley:** Nice

***

**the kiddos**

**Cassie: @Peter Parker** if you’re an international fugitive, how are you texting us? uwu

 **Peter:** I’m hiding at the lake house with Pepper and Morgan

 **Peter:** S.H.I.E.L.D. were able to provide evidence that Mysterio was lying, so I’m really only hiding from the press

 **Peter:** I’m pretty sure Rhodey is here as well, like patrolling

 **Cassie:** I’m glad they were able to prove that you’re not a murderer, Mysterio was a mean fishbowl uwu

 **Shuri:** That’s the best thing I’ve ever heard

 **Cassie:** I am known to be a comedic genius at times uwu

 **Peter: @Cassie Lang** can I just say that I love that even in serious times you always remember the uwus

 **Cassie:** Thank you uwu

 **Peter:** You’re welcome uwu

 **Peter:** Dammit uwu

***

**AcaDec**

**Flash: @Peter Parker** how the fuck did you get people to think you’re Spider-Man?

 **Peter:** It was really easy, all I had to do was be Spider-Man uwu

 **Peter:** Why did you want to know? uwu

 **Cindy:** What’s with the uwus?

 **Peter:** Cassie keeps ending all her messages with them on the group chat and everyone else ends up doing it without realising uwu

 **Cindy:** That’s valid uwu

 **Peter:** I’m going to tell Cassie that her uwus have spread to another group chat, she’ll be very happy uwu

 **Cindy:** I’m honoured uwu

 **Flash:** Who’s Cassie? Do you mean Cassie Lang?

 **Peter:** Yeah, we’re friends uwu

 **Flash:** How the fuck are you friends with Ant-Man’s daughter?

 **Peter:** Because I work with Ant-Man uwu

 **Peter:** You know, because we’re both Avengers uwu

 **Peter:** Because I’m Spider-Man uwu

 **MJ:** I really don’t see what so hard to understand uwu

 **Flash:** Of course you agree

 **MJ:** What’s that supposed to mean? uwu

 **Flash:** You’re only saying that he’s Spider-Man because you’re dating him

 **MJ:** Fair point, I am saying that I’m dating Spider-Man, probably because I’m dating Spider-Man uwu

 **Sally: @Flash Thompson** are you just salty because it turns out you’ve been running a Peter stan account for years

 **Abe:** ahsdkklssjja

 **Cindy:** Oh shit uwu

 **Charles: @Peter Parker** is it safe for you to be texting?

 **Charles:** Like, can’t they track you?

 **Peter:** S.H.I.E.L.D. proved I was innocent, I’m just hiding out from the media vultures uwu

 **Cindy:** Wait, I’ve just realised something uwu

 **Abe:** What?

 **Cindy: @Peter Parker** ditched his homecoming date so he could go fight her Dad and send him to jail uwu

 **Peter:** Oh yeah, that… yeah uwu

 **Flash: @Peter Parker** STOLE MY DAD’S CAR AND CRASHED IT AT HOMECOMING

 **Peter:** Oops uwu

 **Flash:** I hate you uwu

 **Flash:** FUCK

***

**the kiddos**

**Peter: @Cassie Lang** the uwus have spread to by acadec group chat uwu

 **Cassie:** Nice uwu

 **Peter:** Also, a boy who has been making my life hell for three/eight years, depending on how you want to look it, has just found out I crashed his Dad’s car uwu

 **Wanda:** Oh shit

 **Lila:** You dead boi

 **Cooper:** Well, it was nice knowing you

 **Harley:** Press f to pay respects

 **Lila:** f

 **Cooper:** f

 **Wanda:** f

 **Shuri:** f

 **Cassie:** f uwu

 **Peter:** Thanks uwu

***

**Wanda’s phone**

**Search history**

_Pregnancy symptoms_

_How likely is it that a pregnancy test is wrong?_

_What happened to women who were pregnant before the blip?_

***

**Pregnancy and The Blip**

**_Stephanie Davis, The Daily Bugle_ **

_Since half the universe was returned from the dead after five years, in an event known as_ The Blip _, many women who were pregnant at the time of the original disappearance have suffered further consequences. While some have suffered severe abdominal injuries due to unborn children suddenly reappearing, those in earlier stages of pregnancy have sustained fewer injuries with some instances have even been reported where the mother has been able to continue safely carrying the baby._

 _However, in the case of pregnant mothers who were killed during_ The Blip _, studies into the recent medical records of those that were dead for five years have shown that 87% have suffered no negative health impacts to either them or the baby, will all signs so far indicating that they will be able to safely carry their babies to term._

***

**Wanda - > Wizard Man**

**Wanda:** _attached screenshot of Daily Bugle article_

 **Wanda:** Have you seen this?

 **Wizard Man:** Yes, I have

 **Wizard Man:** Why are you sending me this? Is this how the Avengers are trying to befriend me? By sending me random medical articles

 **Wanda:** No, I need your help making sure I’m in the 87%

 **Wizard Man:** Okay

 **Wizard Man:** Wait what?

 **Wanda:** Please

 **Wizard Man:** Why can’t you use the doctors in Waverly?

 **Wanda:** Everyone here hates me here; I am not going near them if I don’t have to

 **Wizard Man:** Fine, where’s the best place to meet?

 **Wizard Man:** If you can get back to New York, I can still access the Metro-General Hospital, or we can meet somewhere closer to you if that works instead

 **Wanda:** I’m at the S.H.I.E.L.D. medical facility in Des Moines every Thursday for therapy, if I text Fury, he’ll probably let us use the equipment there

 **Wizard Man:** Okay, see you there on Thursday

***

**Lila - > New Fave Sibling**

**Lila:** Are you okay?

 **New Fave Sibling:** Yeah, why?

 **Lila:** You seemed kinda off before you and Dad left for Des Moines this morning

 **Lila:** And you kept acting all nervous and texting someone

 **New Fave Sibling:** I’m fine, just nervous about therapy, that’s all

 **Lila:** You sure?

 **New Fave Sibling:** Yeah

 **Lila:** Okay, see you later

***

**Clint - > Magic Child**

**Clint:** Where are you?

 **Clint:** Shouldn’t your session have finished by now?

 **Magic Child:** I have another appointment while I’m here

 **Clint:** Is something wrong?

 **Magic Child:** I’m fine, just a check-up, won’t be long

 **Clint:** Long enough for me to have another coffee?

 **Magic Child:** Yeah, I’ll meet you in the café when I’m done

 **Clint:** See you then

***

**Clint - > Fury**

**Clint:** Why are you lurking?

 **Fury:** What are you talking about?

 **Clint:** We’re both in the café at the Des Moines medical facility

 **Clint:** I am sat five tables away. I can see you eating

 **Clint:** Why are you lurking?

 **Fury:** I don’t like people talking to me while I eat

 **Clint:** Why are you even here in the first place?

 **Fury:** Strange requested to use an examination room and I wanted to try and find out what he was up to

 **Clint:** Does this have anything to do with Wanda? She’s got another appointment and hasn’t told me what it’s for

 **Fury:** I don’t know

 **Fury:** Why are you standing up?

 **Fury:** Don’t you dare walk over here

 **Fury:** Barton, I said I don’t like talking people

 **Fury:** NO

***

The drive back to the farm from Des Moines had been silent for the first half an hour. Clint put the radio on in an attempt to break the silence. The radio crackled to life and Wanda sighed. She curled in on herself slightly and turned so she was looking out the window.

“Wanda, what’s wrong?” Clint asked.

Wanda sniffled and wiped a few tears away from her eyes. “It’s nothing.”

“If it really was nothing, then you wouldn’t be crying right now,” Clint replied. “Was it something to do with your other appointment?”

“I’m pregnant,” Wanda answered.

The silence returned for a moment as Clint processed what Wanda had just told him. “Oh.”

“I knew I was pregnant before the Blip, but I thought the whole dying and coming back made me lose them,” Wanda continued. “I’d heard that a lot of other women had lost their children and just presumed that’s what had happened to me. But, the last few weeks, I realised things didn’t add up. Turned out that most people that were killed while pregnant didn’t lose their kids. I had myself checked and I didn’t lose them, I’m still pregnant.”

“If I’d known that Vision could have gotten you pregnant, I would’ve given you a lecture on being safe,” Clint responded.

Wanda let out a light laugh. “Thanks for that. Strange’s reaction was asking me who else I’d been with besides with Vision. You’d think that the Sorcerer Supreme would realise that maybe the reality warper would be able to make it possible, even unintentionally, to have kids with her android boyfriend.” She wiped away a few more tears.

“Are you okay?” Clint asked. “Is this something you want?”

“It is, it’s just-” Wanda cut herself off with a sniffle. “-I just wish Vision was still here for this.”

Clint pulled the car off to the side of the road. “Hey, Wanda, look at me.” Wanda turned to face him, tears now freely beginning to run down her cheeks. “I’m so sorry that Vision isn’t here for this, I really am. But you don’t have to worry about doing any of this alone. You don’t have to tell the others yet, not if you don’t want to. Well, I would suggest that you tell your Mom.”

“I want to tell the others,” Wanda replied. She pulled a packet of tissues out of the glove compartment and wiped her eyes. “Can we just go home?”

***

**Wanda - > Mom**

**Wanda:** Can I talk to you when I get home?

 **Mom:** Of course, is something wrong?

 **Wanda:** It’s easier to talk face to face

***

“Mom, you’re squishing me,” Wanda protested.

“I’m so sorry!” Laura exclaimed as she released her daughter. “You’re having a baby. I’m going to be a grandma.”

“Actually, I’m having twins,” Wanda said.

Clint looked shocked. “You didn’t tell me this in the car!”

Wanda grinned at the two of them. “I thought I’d tell you both at once.”

Laura wrapped her arm around Wanda’s side and began to lead her upstairs. “Looks like we’re going to be needing to sort out the spare room.”

“You guys are okay with me staying here after I have the babies?” Wanda asked.

“Name literally one place you could go stay,” Clint replied.

Laura hit her husband in the side. “Of course you can stay here. When are you planning on telling the others?”

“Today, and don’t worry, I have a plan,” Wanda said with a smirk.

***

**the kiddos**

**Wanda:** I’m pargant

 **Wanda:** Pegnate

 **Cooper:** What?

 **Wanda:** Pregegnant

 **Lila:** Are you okay?

 **Wanda:** Pergert

 **Shuri: @Wanda Maximoff** are you high?

 **Wanda:** Pergenat

 **Peter: @Cooper Barton @Lila Barton** please check that your sister isn’t having a stroke

 **Wanda:** Pgagnan

 **Wanda:** Pregnart

 **Harley:** Is this some kind of weird side effect of being snapped?

 **Wanda:** Bregant

 **Wanda:** Pregat

 **Cassie:** Wait, all of these look like those weird spelling of pregnant from that yahoo answers video

 **Wanda:** Pargnet

 **Wanda: @Cassie Lang** 👍

 **Cassie:** Nice

 **Cassie:** Wait, what? uwu

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1) I have no self-control, I love the Minimoffs and my friend encouraged me (even though I'm pretty sure I used the same plot point in City of Dust and Shadows)
> 
> 2) Let me know if the picture isn't working, this is my first attempt at embedding my own images and I think (??) it worked
> 
> 3) This is the video Cassie mentioned. If you haven't watched it, I highly recommend you do https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EShUeudtaFg


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like I spent three years of my life adding the pics to this

**the kiddos**

**Cooper:** Haha, very funny

 **Wanda:** I’m not joking

 **Wanda:** I’m pregnant

 **Cassie:** For real? uwu

 **Wanda:** Yes

**Harley:**

****

**Harley:** But seriously, congrats

 **Lila:** I’m going to be an aunt???

 **Wanda: @Lila Barton** yes

 **Cooper:** Lila is currently running around screaming

 **Cooper:** And she ran into a door frame

 **Lila:** I was excited, okay

 **Cassie: @Lila Barton** you’re adorable uwu

 **Lila:** 😊

 **Peter: @Wanda Maximoff** congratulations!

 **Wanda:** Thank you

 **Shuri:** Quick question: should the group chat still be called the kiddos if one of us is having their own kiddo?

 **Harley:** It stays as the kiddos until she’s had the baby and then we change it

 **Wanda:** *babies

 **Cassie:**?? uwu

 **Wanda:** I’m having twins

 **Cassie:**!! uwu

 **Peter: @Wanda Maximoff** Legally speaking, you are now the mom friend

 **Wanda:** I don’t like that

 **Lila:** This makes me the crazy aunt friend

 **Lila:** Crazy lesbian aunt friend

 **Cooper:** I thought you were American

 **Wanda:** I feel like I should tell the rest of the team in a less memey way

 **Cassie:** As funny as it would be to watch their reactions as they tried to figure out what you were talking about, it probably would be easier to just tell them uwu

 **Shuri:** Their reactions are still going to be fucking hilarious though

 **Wanda:** Fair point lmao

***

**Avengers and Ho**

**Thor: @James “Rhodey” Rhodes** can you add the rest of the Guardians? I feel like they fall under “and Ho”

 **Rhodey:** Sure

 **Rhodey:** And it’s meant to be and Co

 **Thor:** The Princess Shuri changed the group name and I’m going to respect that

 **Shuri: @Thor Odinson** you’re a sweetheart

 **T’Challa: @Thor Odinson** please don’t encourage her like that

**James “Rhodey” Rhodes added Nebula**

**James “Rhodey” Rhodes added Peter Quill**

**James “Rhodey” Rhodes added Drax**

**James “Rhodey” Rhodes added Rocket Raccoon**

**James “Rhodey” Rhodes added Groot**

**James “Rhodey” Rhodes added Mantis**

**Rhodey: @Thor Odinson** done

 **Wanda:** Now that everyone’s here, I have something I’d like to announce

 **Clint: @Wanda Maximoff** are you sure you want to do this on the group chat?

 **Wanda:** It’s not like we’re all in the same place often, we haven’t even seen the guardians since they left after we all came back

 **Clint:** Fair enough

 **Lila:** She already told us over the other group chat

 **Sam:** I feel kinda worried…

 **Wanda:** I’m pregnant

 **Sam:** Okay, not what I was expecting you to say

 **Wanda:** And before anyone asks, yes, Vision is the father, I was pregnant before the Blip

 **Wanda:** If anyone has any questions, I will be ignoring them and I’m going to have a nap

 **Cassie:** Completely valid, have fun uwu

 **Bucky:** So, that happened

***

**Maggie Lang created the group chat “Co-Parenting/Grand-Parenting”**

**Maggie Lang added Scott Lang**

**Maggie Lang added Hope Van Dyne**

**Maggie Lang added Jim Paxton**

**Maggie Lang added Janet Van Dyne**

**Maggie Lang added Hank Pym**

**Scott:** What’s this for?

 **Maggie:** Take a wild guess

 **Scott:** I didn’t read the title, but this makes sense

**Scott Lang changed the group name to “Cassie Lang Protection Squad”**

**Hank:** I can understand why everyone else is here, but I don’t understand why me and Janet here?

 **Maggie:** Because Cassie has recently told me that she wants to be a superhero as well and so I am thought that it’s best that the people with the ability to make a costume were kept in the loop

 **Jim:** And by recently, she means ten minutes ago

 **Hope:** Completely understandable reaction to immediately make a group chat to keep an eye on her

 **Hope:** But if you think she’s going to do this anyway, with or without our support, then I’m willing to give her some basic training to keep her safe

 **Scott:** Thanks

 **Hope:** She can’t be worse than her father

 **Scott:** And I take it back

 **Maggie:** 😂

 **Jim:** That’s fair

 **Hank:** Agreed

 **Scott:** Why is everyone against me?

 **Janet: @Scott Lang** I’m still on your side

 **Scott: @Janet Van Dyne** thank you, nice to see someone still cares

 **Hope:** Scott is sat in the same room as me and keeps trying to glare

 **Jim:** Try?

 **Maggie:** He can’t glare, just does a weird pout

 **Hope:** Cute, but weird pout

 **Jim:** I’m guessing that’s where Cassie gets it from

 **Maggie:** Tragically so

***

**the kiddos**

**Cassie:** I think my parents, stepparents and step-grandparents have a group chat just for discussing how to parent me uwu

 **Peter:** Aunt May, Happy, Pepper and Rhodey have one for me

 **Shuri:** My Mom, T’Challa, Nakia and Okoye have one for me as well

 **Cooper:** Meanwhile, our parents have to deal with raising four of us by themselves

 **Wanda:** And I’m bringing two more kids into the house in a few months

 **Cooper:** Yeah, but they’ll be their grandkids, that’s different

 **Lila:** You think Mom is going to stay away from TWO new babies, lmao

 **Cooper:** Fair point

 **Harley: @Wanda Maximoff** have you decided on any names yet?

 **Wanda:** Not yet, but I’ve got some ideas

 **Harley:** Because Harley is a great name

 **Peter:** Peter’s a cool name too

 **Cooper:** Aren’t you all forgetting the best name?

 **Lila:** Yeah, how could y’all forget Lila

 **Cooper:** 😠

 **Cooper:** Obviously I meant Cooper

 **Cassie:** Cassie is adorable name for a little girl uwu

 **Shuri:** If you name one Shuri, they’ll never get their mixed up with anyone else at school, ever

 **Wanda:** I’m not naming my kids after any of you

 **Wanda:** Ever

**Harley:**

****

**Wanda:** Please stop meme-ing my children

 **Wanda:** At least let them be born and do something worth ridicule first

 **Harley:** Will do

 **Cassie: @Harley Keener** of course you’re the only one who got a decent photo uwu

 **Lila:** Idk, Shuri did pretty decent as well

 **Peter: @Harley Keener** OF ALL THE FUCKING PHOTOS YOU HAVE OF ME, THAT’S THE ONE YOU CHOSE!!!

 **Peter:** THE ONE THAT MYSTERIO USED WHEN HE FRAMED ME FOR MURDER

 **Harley:** It’s the best photo I have of you

 **Cooper:** How the fuck did you make that so quickly?

 **Harley:** Y’all have your superpowers, I have mine

 **Lila:** Wanda and Peter are the only ones with powers, but go off I guess

 **Cassie: @Wanda Maximoff** do you think the twins will have superpowers? uwu

 **Wanda:** I hadn’t thought of that

 **Wanda:** But you have a point, the Mind Stone altered my DNA when it gave me my powers, so I might have passed it on

 **Lila:** Imagine if you had one twin with magic powers and one with superspeed

 **Lila:** Like you and Pietro

 **Harley: @Peter Parker** I really don’t see why you don’t like this photo

**Peter:** Put that thing back where it came from or so help me

 **Cassie:** A beautiful photo uwu

**Cooper:**

****

**Peter:** Guys, stop

**Lila:**

****

**Peter:** GUYS PLEASE STOP

**Wanda Maximoff set the group icon as**

**Peter:** I hate all of you

***

_Peter Parker | Yeah, I’m Spider-Man @yeeterparker_

@officialhawkeye @l_barton your kids are bullying me again

_Lila Barton @babyhawk_

_Wanda Maximoff @scarlet_bitch_

@yeeterparker you started it

_Peter Parker | Yeah, I’m Spider-Man @yeeterparker_

@scarlet_bitch how did I start it?

_Wanda Maximoff @scarlet­_bitch_

@yeeterparker you were bullying my kids

_Peter Parker | Yeah, I’m Spider-Man @yeeterparker_

@scarlet­_bitch how was I bullying them

_Wanda Maximoff @scarlet_bitch_

@yeeterparker suggesting I would ever name my kids after you counts. I am not doing that to them

***

**Avengers and Ho**

**Clint:** So, cat’s out the bag then

 **Wanda:** It had to happen sooner or later

 **Laura:** Are me and **@Clint Barton** the only people you didn’t tell via social media?

 **Wanda:** Yes

 **Lila: @Laura Barton** does this mean that this is how Grandma is gonna find out?

 **Laura:** Oh shit

**Cooper Barton set the group icon as**

**Peter:** I hate you so much

 **Sam:** I do love it when the whole Barton fam flies in, causes chaos and then leaves

 **Rhodey:** Is fun, isn’t it?

***

**Laura - > Mom**

**Mom:** Why am I getting messages from people on Facebook congratulating me on becoming a great-grandmother?

 **Laura:** I was wondering when you’d see that

 **Mom:** Laura?

 **Laura:** Wanda’s pregnant, she was before the snap and until the other day, she thought she’d lost the baby

 **Mom:** She’s an unmarried twenty-year-old woman

 **Laura:** Amazing powers of observation Mom

 **Mom:** How do you not have a problem with this?

 **Laura:** She’s an adult, she can make her own decisions and we’ll support her whatever happens next

 **Laura:** Whether or not you want to part of her and her kids’ lives is up to you, but just so you know, if you try and shut them out, you lose the rest of your family as well

***

**Laura Barton created the group chat “Barton Fam”**

**Laura Barton added Clint Barton**

**Laura Barton added Cooper Barton**

**Laura Barton added Lila Barton**

**Laura Barton added Wanda Maximoff**

**Laura:** Mom knows about Wanda and the babies

 **Wanda:** How did she take it?

**Laura:** _attached screenshot of conversation between her and her mother_

**Laura:** Not brilliantly, but I’ve left her with that decision

 **Wanda:** You didn’t have to do that for me

 **Laura:** Yes I did, your as much a part of this family as the rest of us and it’s about time she accepted that and moved on with her life

 **Wanda:** I love you

 **Laura:** We love you too

***

  **the kiddos**

 **Lila:** When Nate grows up and gets a phone, do we add him to this group chat?

 **Cassie:** Good question uwu

 **Peter:** And Morgan

 **Harley:** They’ll probably make a new group chat with Wanda’s kids and any other Avengers babies that are born in the next few years

 **Harley:** They’ll be the kiddos then and we’ll be the adults having to deal with them

 **Wanda:** I don’t like that

 **Cooper: @Wanda Maximoff** You’re going to have to deal with at least two of them anyway

 **Wanda:** I know

 **Wanda:** I have accepted that, but I’m not responsible for anyone else’s kids

***

**Wanda - > Mom’s Mom (Meanie)**

**Mom’s Mom (Meanie):** I know we haven’t gotten on well, but can we talk?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Despite what Harley said, that meme took like half an hour to make


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cooper: What kind of pizza have y’all got?
> 
> Peter: Pepperoni?
> 
> Shuri: And cheese?
> 
> Lila: Sure, pepperoni and cheese, amen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I spent so long embedding that godforsaken picture of Peter at the start of every chat, you have no idea how much I hate that picture now, I've lost count of the amount of times I've used it. But it's funny so it stays. 
> 
> Also, my friend made me watch the Trail to Oregon, so as per usual I'm projecting all my likes and interests onto the characters, so there are a ton of references.

  **the kiddos**

 **Cassie:** I don’t want to go back to school arrrrggh uwu

 **Cooper:** Same

 **Lila:** Would literally rather die than go back to school

 **Peter:** I don’t want to either

 **Peter:** Like, it’s going to be nice to see everyone again after being in hiding from so long, but I can’t be bothered to deal with Flash

 **Shuri:** Glad I don’t have to go back

**Harley:**

****

**Lila:** Oh look at us, we don’t have school tomorrow because we’ve already graduated

 **Lila:** Get fucked

 **Peter:** Yeah, most of us would’ve finished at least high school by now if it wasn’t for the Blip

 **Cooper:** Except Cassie

 **Cassie:** I’m baby uwu

 **Wanda:** Jokes on you guys, I never finished formal education

 **Wanda:** Haven’t been in school since I was thirteen, which is pretty impressive

 **Shuri:** How is that impressive?!?!

 **Wanda:** Well, I was a homeless orphan from the age of ten, so keeping my place in school for three years is pretty impressive

 **Cassie:** The worst part of this is that we don’t have time to meet up again for months, probably not until Christmas uwu

 **Harley:** By which time Wanda will be like eight and half months pregnant, so we can’t get up to chaos then

 **Wanda:** Honestly, I’m offended

 **Wanda:** Just because I won’t be able to sneak around, doesn’t mean I can’t run mission control

 **Harley:** Fair point, sorry that I ever suggested otherwise

 **Cassie:** Still sad that Shuri didn’t get to come visit since the funeral uwu

 **Shuri:** We may not all be in the same place for four months, but that doesn’t mean I can’t still come visit people

 **Cassie:**!!! uwu

 **Cassie:** When do you think you can come? uwu

 **Shuri:** I don’t know, but I’ll keep you updated

***

**AcaDec**

**Shuri Udaku added herself**

**Shuri Udaku set the group icon as**

**Shuri Udaku left the group**

**Cindy:** What the fuck?

 **MJ: @Peter Parker** is this normal?

 **Peter:** Unfortunately so

 **Flash:** Why is the princess of Wakanda hacking into our group chat and setting the icon as a picture of you and leaving again?

 **Peter:** Because she likes to annoy me

 **Abe: @Peter Parker** what is your life?

 **Peter:** I don’t even know anymore

 **Charles: @Peter Parker** are you coming back to school tomorrow?

 **Peter:** People seemed to have finally accepted that I didn’t kill Mysterio and that he was behind the attacks in Europe, so I should be able to come in tomorrow. I’m definitely planning on coming in, but you never know what’s going to happen

 **Ned:** Still gonna be weird now that everyone knows that you’re Spider-Man

 **Peter:** Yeah, but hopefully it’ll be an uneventful day

***

  **the kiddos**

 **Peter: @Shuri Udaku** lied. She’s back in America and didn’t tell anyone

 **Lila:** How do you know that?

 **Peter:** She just walked into my class dressed as a lobster, looked me dead in the eye and said “hello Tittymitty”

 **Cooper: @Shuri Udaku** nice Trail to Oregon reference

 **Shuri:** Thank you. And **@Peter Parker** I did tell someone I was coming

 **Peter:** Who?

 **Shuri:** MJ. She got a video of the whole thing as well

 **Wanda:** I need to see that video

**Shuri:** _attached video of her walking into Peter’s class in a cheap lobster costume stopping to look Peter dead in the eye and say “hello Tittymitty”_

**Peter:** I am never going to live this down at school

 **Peter:** She’s still here and she won’t take off the lobster costume and keeps calling me Tittymitty

 **Shuri:** I’ve made friends with half of the Academic Decathlon team

 **Shuri:** Me and Cindy are besties now

 **Peter:** And I was stupid enough to think that going back to school wasn’t going to be weird

 **Harley:** Everyone knows you’re Spider-Man now, there’s no reason for you to not know us

 **Cassie:** So we can and will terrorise you in real life uwu

 **Peter:** That uwu felt weirdly threatening

 **Cassie:** That’s because it fucking was bitch uwu

***

**AcaDec**

**Shuri Udaku added herself**

**Shuri:** I came back because y’all are cool

 **Flash:** Really?

 **Shuri:** Correction, most of y’all are cool

 **Peter: @Shuri Udaku** SCIENCE BRO

 **Shuri: @Peter Parker** SCIENCE BRO

 **MJ:** Oh dear god, there’s two of them

**MJ added Betty Brant**

**MJ: @Betty Brant** I know you’re not part of AcaDec, but I need support here

 **Betty:** Cool, quick question, why is Shuri here?

 **Shuri:** I added myself because none of you seemed to judge me for crashing your classes and walking around your school dressed a lobster all day

 **Sally: @Shuri Udaku** why did you call Peter Tittymitty?

 **Shuri:** It’s from a musical

 **Abe:** Why the lobster costume?

 **Shuri:** It’s from a musical

 **Flash:** You watch some weird musicals

 **Peter:** It’s the same musical

 **Charles:** wtf

***

**Lila - > Cassie ** **💖💖** **💖**

**Lila:** How was your first day back?

 **Cassie** **💖** **💖💖** **:** Not too bad, would still rather not be at school, but it is nice to see everyone again? uwu

 **Cassie** **💖💖💖** **:** How about you? uwu

 **Lila:** I have successfully located the class homophobes, which is always fun

 **Cassie** **💖💖** **💖** **:** Shit, are you okay? uwu

 **Lila:** I’m fine, honestly

 **Lila:** I spent two years being the daughter of an international fugitive, I can handle being the only out lesbian at school

 **Cassie** 💖💖💖: You sure? uwu

 **Lila:** It’ll be okay

 **Lila:** I miss you

 **Cassie** **💖** **💖** **💖** **:** I miss you too uwu

***

**Cassie - > Dad**

**Cassie:** Are we busy this weekend? uwu

 **Dad:** No, why? uwu

***

**Scott - > Clint**

**Scott:** I have a really weird request

 **Clint:** …I’m listening

***

**Shuri Udaku created the group chat “Ten I See”**

**Shuri Udaku added Peter Parker**

**Shuri Udaku added Harley Keener**

**Shuri: @Harley Keener** if we were to get our hands on a car for the weekend, would you be open to visitors?

**Harley Keener set the group icon as**

**Harley:** Sure, sounds fun

 **Peter:** Thanks, but also fuck you

 **Harley:** Sure, sounds fun

 **Peter:** I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND

 **Harley:** Good point, I respect that, but you know where to find me

 **Shuri:** I’m beginning to think this was a mistake

***

  **the kiddos**

 **Cassie:** How was everyone’s first week back at school? uwu

 **Peter:** Ask the lobster

 **Shuri:** I’m the lobster

 **Shuri:** It was great

 **Cooper:** It was alright, but people keep trying to ask me if I know anything about the Avengers getting back together

 **Lila:** All the homophobes knew about me and Cassie so that was fun

 **Wanda:** They almost had a very angry super-powered pregnant woman killing them

 **Cooper:** Only because Dad locked the car doors so you couldn’t get out when you dropped us off

 **Wanda:** If that door had been unlocked, mark my words…

 **Shuri: @Cassie Lang** how was your week?

 **Cassie:** Fine, but I’ve got a busy weekend uwu

 **Peter:** What you up to?

 **Cassie:** This and that, nothing much uwu

 **Lila:** Cool, have fun 😘😘

***

**Cassie - > Wanda**

**Cassie:** Quick question, what’s Lila’s favourite flowers? uwu

 **Wanda:** Tulips, why?

 **Cassie:** No reason, but thanks uwu

***

**Lila - > Mom**

**Lila:** Where’s Dad gone?

 **Mom:** Just had to go pick something up, he’ll be back soon

 **Lila:** Okay

***

Lila was sat in the living room with Wanda and Laura when they heard Clint arrive back.

“Lila, go help your Dad bring everything in from the car,” Laura said.

Lila rolled her eyes but headed outside anyway. She was walking down the porch steps when she realised there were two other people in the car. The person in the back got out and started to walk towards Lila.

“Cassie?” Lila gasped. “What are you doing here?”

Cassie held out a bunch of tulips. “I got you these. You said you were having a rough week so I thought they might cheer you up.”

Lila surged forward to kiss her girlfriend. The flowers slipped from Cassie’s hands as she returned Lila’s kiss, only avoiding hitting the ground as Clint rushed forward and caught them. The two girls pulled apart after a few moments.

“You came all the way from San Francisco to see me just because some people at school were being mean?” Lila asked.

“No, that’s the excuse I gave Dad, I wanted to come anyway,” Cassie answered.

Scott and Clint approached the girls, the Lang’s bags in hand and the group went back inside. Cooper was at the door, phone in hand.

“Were you filming us?” Lila demanded.

“No,” Cooper replied, a fake innocent look on his face.

“That better not end up on the group chat or I will kill you,” Lila threatened.

“Not if you don’t want to upset Wanda,” Cooper smirked.

Lila glared at him as he left. “Damn, he got me there,” she muttered. Cassie giggled and looped her arm around her girlfriend.

“Let him go, we’ll get him later,” Cassie whispered. Lila grinned and leant her head on Cassie’s shoulder.

***

  **the kiddos**

**Cooper:** _attached video of Lila and Cassie’s reunion_

**Lila:** Hey, fuck you

 **Shuri: @Cassie Lang** you’re in Iowa??

 **Cassie:** Lila was sad, and I wanted to see her uwu

 **Peter:** And I thought that me and Shuri going to Tennessee for the weekend was a bit of a trip

***

  **Ten I See**

 **Shuri:** We’re almost there

 **Peter:** Please tell me you have food

 **Harley:** I don’t, y’all want me to order pizza?

 **Peter:** Look at the stereotypical southerner using y’all

 **Harley: @Peter Parker** you use y’all every other sentence, now do you want pizza or not?

 **Peter:** Yes please

 **Peter:** And please get a lot, I have an increased metabolism because of the spider bite

 **Harley: @Shuri Udaku** are you still dressed as a lobster?

 **Shuri:** Of course I am, what sort of stupid question is that?

 **Harley:** Good point, why wouldn’t you still be dressed as a lobster?

 **Shuri:** Exactly

***

  **the kiddos**

**Harley:** _attached video of Shuri entering his house still wearing the lobster costume. She looks at the camera, smirks and says “hello Tittymitty”. Peter is stood behind her and looks dead in the eyes after having heard that every time he and Shuri walk into a room for the past week. “Please just give me the pizza”_

**Cooper:** What kind of pizza have y’all got?

 **Peter:** Pepperoni?

 **Shuri:** And cheese?

 **Lila:** Sure, pepperoni and cheese, amen

***

**Parent-vengers**

**Pepper Potts added Wanda Maximoff**

**Wanda:** I get why I was added here, but it still feels weird being a group chat that I’m guessing for bitching about me and the others

 **Clint:** And that’s why that you can never tell the others

 **Wanda:** Don’t worry, I won’t

***

**the kiddos**

**Wanda:** I was explicitly told not to tell you this so shush, but our parents have a group chat specifically for bitching about us

 **Lila:** How rude

 **Shuri:** That’s completely valid

 **Harley:** In other news, happy four year anniversary to the area 51 raid

 **Peter:** I’m sorry, the what?

 **Harley:** Someone made a Facebook event to go raid area 51 and millions of people said they would go, but like hardly anyone turned up

 **Cassie:** That’s not even the best part uwu

 **Wanda:** I’m worried

 **Harley:** Oh shit, yeah, we got in because Carol, went there and blasted the gates down

 **Lila:** Holy fuck, why?

**Cassie:** _attached video of Carol being interviewed by a news reporter near area 51. She is holding a ginger cat. “Captain Marvel, it’s amazing to have you on our channel, but why did you come to the raid here today?” the reporter asks. “They had my fucking cat,” Carol answered. She then took off flying, still holding the cat. The reporter watched her leave with a shocked look on his face. A man in a blue coat Naruto runs past in the background_

**Shuri:** This is the weird timeline

 **Shuri:** And we missed the best part

 **Cassie:** It was so funny though uwu

 **Peter: @Harley Keener** what the actual fuck? Why did you say “we”?

 **Harley:** I was there. Me and a couple of friends from school drove out there

 **Harley:** Carol showing up was hilarious and really weird

 **Peter: @Harley Keener** were there any aliens there, other than Carol’s cat?

 **Harley:** There were a load of green dudes and then more arrived and then they changed so they looked human and one of them looked like Nick Fury and Maria Hill and then they took them away before the guards could do anything

 **Harley:** It was really weird

***

**Wanda - > Carol**

**Wanda:** This is going to sound weird, but I think that Fury and Hill might be skrulls

 **Carol:**???

 **Wanda:** Harley said he saw green people turn into them at the area 51 raid

 **Wanda:** But Fury and Hill were killed during the blip, so they can’t have always been skrulls

 **Carol:** That probably would’ve been Talos and Soren, but they didn’t tell me that they were going to be there as well

 **Wanda:** Quick question

 **Carol:** Shoot

 **Wanda:** Why did they have your cat in area 51?

 **Carol:** Goose isn’t a cat, she’s a flerken, an alien that looks like the cats we have on Earth

 **Wanda:** Okay

***

  **the kiddos**

 **Wanda:** Update: Carol’s cat Goose is an alien called a flerken, that’s why she was in area 51

 **Lila:** What’s the difference between Goose the flerken and a cat?

 **Wanda:** I have no idea

***

**Wanda - > Carol**

**Carol:** Did Fury ever tell you how he lost his eye?

 **Wanda:** All I know is that he keeps telling everyone “last time I trusted someone, I lost an eye”

 **Wanda:** Why?

 **Carol:** He was overly cuddly with Goose and that annoyed her, so she scratched him

 **Wanda:** Holy shit

 **Carol:** Yeah, you’d think that he’d realise it would be a bad idea to push the boundaries of the flerken/cat that just swallowed the tesseract

 **Wanda:** I’m sorry, what?

 **Carol:** Goose swallowed the tesseract, that’s how we got it away from the kree

***

  **the kiddos**

 **Wanda:** UPDATE, GOOSE IS THE ONE THE DESTROYED FURY’S EYE AND SHE ALSO SWALLOWED THE TESSERACT

 **Lila:** I want one

 **Cooper:** Mom and Dad will never let you have one

 **Cassie:** Not with that attitude they won’t uwu

 **Lila:** Nice to see there’s someone on my side

 **Cooper: @Cassie Lang** aren’t you meant to be packing?

 **Cassie:** Technically, yes, but counterpoint, I don’t want to go uwu

 **Peter:** That’s what I said when I died

 **Cooper:** But you gotta

 **Peter:** And that’s what Thanos said

 **Cooper:** Dude

 **Lila:** Does she?

 **Cooper:** Yes!!

 **Cooper:** Don’t make me unleash the pregnant woman on you

 **Wanda:** I was summoned

 **Cooper:** Cassie won’t pack to go home

 **Wanda:** And?

 **Wanda:** I don’t see how this is my problem

 **Cooper:** Remember those waffles you wanted?

 **Wanda:** Yeah, why?

 **Cooper:** Dad said he was going to get them on the way back from dropping Scott and Cassie off at the airport

 **Wanda: @Cassie Lang** back your bags

 **Harley:** I can’t believe that worked

 **Shuri:** I can

***

**Lila - > Cassie ** **💖** **💖💖**

**Lila:** I miss you already

 **Cassie** **💖💖** **💖** **:** We went through security literally three minutes ago uwu

 **Lila:** I know, but I miss you

 **Cassie:** I miss you too uwu

***

  **the kiddos**

 **Cassie:** I’m on the plane now, we’re taking off soon uwu

 **Cooper:** Good

 **Lila:** I miss you already!!

 **Wanda:** Begone thot

 **Peter:** Nice to see that at least one Barton cares about Cassie

 **Harley:** Yeah

 **Harley:** Speaking of thots that need to begone…

 **Harley: @Peter Parker @Shuri Udaku** I made you sandwiches for your drive home, now get of my house

 **Peter:** Awww, thanks mom

 **Harley:** I said get out of my house

 **Shuri:** He literally threw the sandwiches at us and told us to leave

 **Harley:** But why did you have to do that?

 **Wanda:** Do we want to know?

**Peter:** _attached video of Shuri, who is wearing the lobster costume again, getting hit in the face by a sandwich in a plastic. She frowned, picked up the sandwich and her backpack, before looking Harley dead in the eye. “Goodbye Tittymitty,” she said before walking out of the room. Peter laughed from behind the camera as it zoomed in on Harley’s face, the boy looking dead inside. “Fucking Dikrats,” he muttered._

**Harley:** I hate you guys

 **Peter:** You still on for coming to New York next weekend?

 **Harley:** Yeah, sure

***

  **the kiddos**

 **Cassie:** We’re home!! uwu

 **Cassie:** I missed being in San Francisco, but I miss Iowa as well ☹ uwu

 **Cassie:** Although it’s definitely more the people that I miss uwu

 **Cooper:** Awww, I miss you too

 **Cassie:** 😒 uwu

 **Wanda:** While everyone is here, anyone want to know what names I’ve chosen?

 **Lila:**!!!

 **Peter:** Yes please!

 **Wanda:** So, I found out I’m having two boys and the names I’ve chosen are…

 **Wanda:** (Drumroll please)

 **Cooper:** *does a drumroll*

 **Wanda:** Thomas and William!!

 **Peter:** Those are great names. Shuri agrees, but she’s driving

 **Cooper:** Have you chosen any middle names yet?

 **Wanda:** No

 **Wanda:** And if any of you even suggest your own names, I will kill you

 **Harley:** That’s completely fair

***

  **the kiddos**

 **Peter:** Oh my god

 **Peter:** Holy shit

 **Peter:** Oh, this is going to be funny

 **Wanda: @Peter Parker** what’s going on?

 **Peter:** When we got back to my apartment, T’Challa, Nakia, Okoye and Ramonda were all there

 **Peter:** They’re having a “talk” in the other room

 **Peter:** I have no idea what’s going on, but it’s hilarious

***

  **AcaDec**

 **Peter:** dsjgkalfdl;c

 **Ned:**??

 **Peter:** HOLY SHIT HJBVXZLNVXDJ

 **MJ:** What’s going on?

 **Peter: @Shuri Udaku** it’s a good thing you added yourself to this group chat

 **Shuri:** SHUT UP

 **Flash:** I am seriously confused right now

 **Peter:** Shuri’s family are making her stay in the US and attend high school. Apparently being a scientific genius/princess that finished high school in her early teens didn’t give her a normal childhood so they’re sending her here to experience a normal school life for THE NEXT TWO YEARS

 **Ned:** …..

 **Peter:** ywhuskjlfesdgvbfdlkj

 **Shuri:** Please kill me


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is shorter than normal, but I'm tired

**Laura - > Wanda**

**Laura:** My mom just texted, she wants to know why you’ve left her texts on read for three months

 **Wanda:** Maybe she shouldn’t have emotionally left me on read for like a year after I came to stay with you after my brother died, but here we are

 **Laura:** …

 **Wanda:** I’ll text her

***

**Wanda - > Mom’s Mom (Meanie)**

**Wanda:** Alright, what do you want?

 **Mom’s Mom (Meanie):** Did you actually mean to message me?

 **Wanda:** Yes, why?

 **Mom’s Mom (Meanie):** You didn’t respond to my message for months. I didn’t know if you meant to text me or if you clicked on me by accident when you went to message someone else

 **Wanda:** I don’t think it would be possible for me to text you by mistake

 **Wanda:** Like, no offence, but with the amount of group chats I’m in, it took me forever to scroll down and find you

 **Mom’s Mom (Meanie):** That’s completely fair

 **Wanda:** You never said what you wanted

 **Mom’s Mom (Meanie):** We need to work on our problems

 **Wanda:** We?

 **Wanda:** I’m pretty sure that all of our problems are on your end of things

 **Mom’s Mom (Meanie):** I can see why you’d say that

 **Wanda:** Yeah, I tried to get along with you and you were all like “why would you want anything to do with that Sokovian girl?” “she’s dangerous, you shouldn’t have her around the kids” “get out of my house”

 **Mom’s Mom (Meanie):** I can see why we may not have gotten along at first, but I want to try and change that

 **Wanda:** You’re coming here for Thanksgiving, right?

 **Mom’s Mom (Meanie):** Of course

 **Wanda:** We’ll talk in person then

***

**Wanda - > Mom**

**Wanda:** _attached screenshot her conversation with Laura’s mom_

**Wanda:** I spoke to her

 **Wanda:** And please ignore the name I have her saved as

***

  **the kiddos**

 **Cassie Lang: @Shuri Udaku** how’s school? uwu

 **Shuri:** IT’S FUCKING TERRIBLE

 **Shuri:** Like, the sciences aren’t bad, but everything else sucks

 **Shuri:** Also, everyone keeps calling me lobster girl

 **Peter:** In their defence, you did spend an entire week walking around the school dressed as a lobster

 **Shuri:** I was trying to make a lasting impression before I left, I did not intend on staying this long

 **Cooper:** I got my driver’s licence at last

 **Wanda:** Sweet, you can do the 1 am McDonald’s runs from now on, just bring me something back

 **Cassie:** You guys are still doing that? uwu

 **Lila:** Yeah, like at least once a week

 **Cooper:** We’ve gotten better at sneaking out, or Dad has just stopped calling us out on it

 **Wanda:** Changing the subject completely, I have just a terrible/brilliant idea

 **Harley:** I’m interested…

 **Wanda:** The amount of bullshit I heard whilst living in the Compound and whilst on the run with Steve, Nat and Sam for two years, I could make one of those incorrect quotes blogs but using the actual garbage that comes out of their mouths

 **Peter:** YES

 **Lila:** Please make that

 **Lila:** Like immediately

 **Wanda:** I’m on it

 **Cassie:** Some of the shit we say would work as well uwu

 **Wanda:** Thanks for the idea, I’m using that

***

**real-avengers-quotes.tumblr.com**

_Sam: Who wants a bacon cheeseburger?_  
Wanda: I’m Jewish  
Sam: Normal cheeseburger?  
Wanda: I’m vegetarian  
Sam: Cheese roll  
Wanda: Sounds great

 _Peter: I tried to have a normal holiday but instead I became a Joh Mulaney routine_  
Shuri: In what way?  
Peter: “We’re gonna frame you for murder”

_Cooper: The automatic door’s broken  
Lila: Cooper, that is a window_

_Natasha: Alright, which one of you fuckers stole my Donald Duck flip flops?_

_Sam: I am prepared to fight Hydra, half the Avengers, an alien army, but a goose is where I draw a line_

_Bucky: I named these goats after the Avengers. See that one that’s managed to get itself stuck on the roof again? That’s Steve because he has zero self-preservation instincts_

_Lila: Listen, Sharpay is a lesbian because I’m a lesbian and I said so_

_Clint: *correctly quotes a vine* see, I’m what the kids call lit  
Wanda: Dad, I am literally begging you to never speak again_

***

  **the kiddos**

 **Lila: @Wanda Maximoff** why did you call it real-avengers-quotes?

 **Wanda:** To see how long it takes people to realise that they’re genuine quotes

 **Wanda:** If it was twitter, they might realise sooner, and the rest of the Avengers might see it there. But tumblr is so fucking stupid, everyone will just go with it

 **Cassie:** Fair point uwu

 **Shuri:** I feel like everyone’s forgetting that everyone at school is calling me lobster girl

***

**real-avengers-quotes.tumblr.com**

_Shuri: I feel like everyone’s forgetting that everyone at school is calling me lobster girl_

***

  **the kiddos**

 **Shuri: @Wanda Maximoff** fuck you

 **Wanda:** You’re welcome

 **Peter:** I’ve also had a brilliant terrible idea

 **Harley:** Please do continue

 **Peter:** Twitter Q&A

 **Lila:** The adults will never forgive us if we do this

 **Cooper:** You don’t want to do the stupid thing?

 **Lila:** Bitch, I never said that

 **Lila:** We should totally do the stupid thing

 **Peter:** Anyone else?

 **Cooper:** I’m in

 **Cassie:** Same uwu

 **Wanda:** Sounds fun

 **Harley:** Don’t see why not

 **Shuri:** What’s the worst that could happen?

***

_Yeah, I’m Spider-Man @yeeterparker_

Me @scarlet_bitch @babyhawk @minihawk @memeprincess @antgirl and @potatogun are going to do a Q&A. Send us your questions and we’ll do our best to answer as many as we can

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If people have any questions for the Q&A, leave them in the comments and I'll use them in the next chapter and use people's usernames for the twitter handles
> 
> Side note: real-avengers-quotes wasn't taken on Tumblr, so I may have made the blog, saved all the quotes as drafts and then password protected the blog. If people want it, let me know and I'll make it live. I only need the slightest bit of encouragement to do something weird


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sweet Vih @SweetVih
> 
> @yeeterparker PETEY, BABY BOY, OWNER OF MY LEFT KIDNEY, WHY ARE YOU SO PRECIOUS?? UGH I WANT TO PUT YOU IN A JAR AND PROTECT YOU AND LOVE YOU
> 
> Yeah, I’m Spider-Man @yeeterparker
> 
> @SweetVih please don’t put me in a jar, as a spider that will make me think I’m getting thrown outside. Also, please keep  
> your left kidney, I still have two and I feel like you will better use it than I will

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who submitted a question and I hope my answers are good/funny enough

**Avengers and Ho**

**Rhodey:** Why are you kids doing this?

 **Peter:** I have no idea what you’re talking about?

 **Rhodey:** You know exactly what I’m talking about, don’t lie to me

 **Peter:** What is wrong with a twitter Q&A?

 **Sam:** Oh Jesus

 **Rhodey:** Do you realise how much can go wrong?

 **Lila:** Well, that’s half the fun, isn’t it?

 **Clint:** Lila Katherine Barton, don’t you dare do anything stupid

 **Lila:** I always do the stupid thing Dad, you can’t change my nature

 **Laura:** Lila, no

 **Lila:** Lila, yes

***

_Yeah, I’m Spider-Man @yeeterparker_

Me @scarlet_bitch @babyhawk @minihawk @memeprincess @antgirl and @potatogun are going to do a Q&A. Send us your questions and we’ll do our best to answer as many as we can

_Just No One @JUST_NO_ONE_

@scarlet_bitch how did you meet the father of your children and what happened to him?

_Wanda @scarlet_bitch_

@JUST_NO_ONE okay, I see we’re starting with the heavy stuff. My children’s Dad was Vision. We met when we both joined the Avengers at the same time. He was killed by Thanos just before the Blip

_Lila @babyhawk_

@JUST_NO_ONE @scarlet_bitch hey @minihawk can you yeet those tissues at Wanda please?

_Cooper @minihawk_

@JUST_NO_ONE @scarlet_bitch @babyhawk they have been yeeted

_Wanda @scarlet_bitch_

@JUST_NO_ONE @babyhawk @minihawk ow…

***

_Captain Grey @captaingrey_

@yeeterparker is your aunt May single? And if she is, can you introduce us?

_Yeah, I’m Spider-Man @yeeterparker_

@captaingrey …. @foreheadofsecurity

_Happy Hogan @foreheadofsecurity_

@captaingrey @yeeterparker she isn’t single, and kid, why did you have to drag me into this?

_Yeah, I’m Spider-Man @yeeterparker_

@captaingrey @foreheadofsecurity if you’re going to date my aunt, then you’re going to get dragged into this

***

_Just No One @JUST_NO_ONE_

@potatogun @yeeterparker how did you meet Wanda Maximoff and the others mentioned?

_Harley Keener @potatogun_

@JUST_NO_ONE I met Cassie at an Avengers and family/friends thing during the Blip and then I met everyone else at a funeral, which is one way to meet the rest of your squad™ I guess

_Yeah, I’m Spider-Man @yeeterparker_

@JUST_NO_ONE @potatogun also at the funeral. This Q&A is turning out a lot more depressing than I thought it would…

***

_Better Hawkeye @katekatiehawkeye_

@scarlet_bitch @minihawk @baby hawk tell your dad to answer my fucking calls

_Lila @babybarton_

@katekatiehawkeye who the fuck are you?

_Better Hawkeye @katekatiehawkeye_

@babybarton I’m Hawkeye but better and gayer

_Lila @babybarton_

@katekatiehawkeye … I like you

***

**Barton Fam**

**Lila: @Clint Barton** someone on twitter calling themselves the better and gayer Hawkeye wants us to tell you to return her calls

 **Clint:** Who’s that?

 **Wanda:** Her username is @katekatiehawkeye

 **Clint:** Oh god, her

 **Cooper:** I’m worried

 **Laura:** I’m presuming that’s the girl you told me about

 **Cooper:** I’m even more worried

 **Clint:** Don’t worry, I’ll deal with it

 **Laura:** Likelihood of us having another house guest?

 **Clint:** Highly

 **Cooper:** Still worried

***

**Clint - > Kate**

**Clint:** What do you want?

 **Kate:** Bitch, you were going to carry on training me when you got back from Tokyo and now it’s been months since I’ve seen you

 **Clint:** In my defence, my family literally came back from the dead

 **Kate:** So did my Dad and sister, but I didn’t completely ditch my partner

 **Clint:** Yeah, but I actually like my family

 **Kate:** That’s not the point

 **Clint:** Katherine Elizabeth Bishop, what do you want?

 **Kate:** I need help

 **Kate:** Now my Dad’s back he’s cut me off. I don’t have any money for rent

 **Kate:** Can I borrow some money? I can pay you back in a couple of months

 **Clint:** How quickly can you get to Iowa?

 **Kate:** Why?

 **Clint:** We have space here and if I want to properly retire, I need someone to take over as Hawkeye and I need to finish training you before you fully take over

 **Kate:** I’m already better than you, but okay

 **Kate:** One quick question

 **Clint:** Shoot

 **Kate:** Can I bring my girlfriend?

 **Clint:** Sure, why the hell not?

***

**Barton Fam**

**Clint:** Update, we’re having two new houseguests

 **Lila:** Who?

 **Clint:** The girl I was training to take over as Hawkeye and her girlfriend

 **Cooper:** Of course

***

_Just No One @JUST_NO_ONE_

@minihawk would you like to follow in your father’s footsteps?

_Cooper @minihawk_

@JUST_NO_ONE I’ve never been sure if I would want to, but I think he’s already found a protégé anyway. And she’s moving into our house. And bringing her girlfriend

_Better Hawkeye @katekatiehawkeye_

@JUST_NO_ONE @minihawk the gays are coming to take over your house and there’s nothing you can to do stop it

_Lila @babyhawk_

@JUST_NO_ONE @minihawk @katekatiehawkeye *whispers* I have backup

***

_Sweet Vih @SweetVih_

@yeeterparker PETEY, BABY BOY, OWNER OF MY LEFT KIDNEY, WHY ARE YOU SO PRECIOUS?? UGH I WANT TO PUT YOU IN A JAR AND PROTECT YOU AND LOVE YOU

_Yeah, I’m Spider-Man @yeeterparker_

@SweetVih please don’t put me in a jar, as a spider that will make me think I’m getting thrown outside. Also, please keep your left kidney, I still have two and I feel like you will better use it than I will

***

_Just No One @JUST_NO_ONE_

@memeprincess I found a blog called “real-avengers-quotes”, are you actually being called lobster girl and since when did you go to school?

***

**real-avengers-quotes.tumblr.com**

_Shuri: I feel like everyone’s forgetting that everyone at school is calling me lobster girl_

_Steve: I am ten minutes away from my inevitable mental breakdown_  
Wanda: Everyone here is ten minutes away from their inevitable mental breakdowns, Steven!  
Steve: Haven’t you already had three mental breakdowns this morning  
Wanda: … shut up

_Thor: Sometimes you just need to embrace the fact that you are a himbo_

***

**the kiddos**

**Shuri:** They’re onto us

 **Wanda:** No they’re not, you got this

 **Harley:** When did Thor say he was a himbo?

 **Wanda:** New headquarters opening when we got there early because all the original Avengers were needed there early for something

 **Cooper:** It was so fucking weird

 **Shuri:** Does Thor actually know what a himbo is? Or is it also an Asgardian term?

 **Lila:** He knows what it means

 **Wanda:** Mom didn’t and asked Thor what he was talking about and he explained. He knows what a himbo is and has embraced it

 **Peter:** Well, it’s nice to see that he’s self-aware

***

_Shuri @memeprincess_

@JUST_NO_ONE I started at Midtown a few weeks ago and people are calling me lobster girl for reasons that I refuse to disclose. How they knew about it though is beyond me

_MJ @mjones_

@JUST_NO_ONE @memeprincess it was me. I saw the blog and submitted the quote

_Shuri @memeprincess_

@JUST_NO_ONE @mjones …bitch

***

**Shuri - > MJ**

**Shuri:**??

 **MJ:** I know Wanda runs the account

 **MJ:** If you don’t want other people knowing that an Avenger is running the account and those are actual quotes that they said then you need to stop talking about it in public

 **Shuri:** Thank you and we’ll do our best to stop

 **MJ:** I somehow doubt that you will though, you superheroes have no sense of subtly

 **MJ:** The way Ned and Peter used to talk about Spider-Man at school, it’s amazing that no one figured out Peter was Spider-Man sooner

***

_Spade Valiant @SpadeValiant_

@yeeterparker are you an official Avenger? They didn’t really make an announcement so…

_Yeah, I’m Spider-Man @yeeterparker_

@SpadeValiant I think (?) I’m an official Avenger. Tony made me one while we were on a spaceship and I died later that day so we never got to make an official announcement because I was kinda dead. And no one has told me I’m not an official Avenger, so I guess I am

_MJ @mjones_

@yeeterparker @SpadeValiant “kinda”

_Spade Valiant @SpadeValiant_

@yeeterparker that’s cool, not the dying part, that doesn’t sound fun, but being an official Avenger sounds cool. Also, since you’re a bug (arachnid but whatever) do you know Ant-Man and the Wasp? Like, do you guys team up or something?

_Yeah, I’m Spider-Man @yeeterparker_

@SpadeValiant first of all, thank you for remembering that I’m an arachnid, not even the dude that killed me did that. Secondly, I would love to meet up with Team Bug™ (me, Ant-Man, Wasp and Mantis from the Guardians) but we’re hardly ever in the same place at the same time

***

_Just No One @JUST_NO_ONE_

@babyhawk when did you first realise that you liked Cassie?

_Lila @babyhawk_

@JUST_NO_ONE it was when we were setting up the pranks for the opening of the new Avengers HQ and I realised that her chaos matched my chaos

_Cassie @antgirl_

@JUST_NO_ONE @babyhawk 😘😘😘

***

_Fake Relius Clover @The_Fake_ReliusClover_

@yeeterparker @potatogun @antgirl @memeprincess @scarlet_bitch @minihawk @babyhawk Do any of you kids know the home address of one Sam Alexander? I am with the Intergalactic Delivery Service, and I have a special helmet to give him from his father. They messed up the address, and no, I am not being paid for my discretion

***

  **the kiddos**

 **Wanda:** Do any of us even know who Sam Alexander is?

 **Peter:** I have literally no idea who they’re talking about

***

_Wanda @scarlet_bitch_

@SpadeValiant @yeeterparker @potatogun @antgirl @memeprincess @minihawk @babyhawk sorry, none of us know who that is, let alone where to find them

_Kamala | Captain Marvel Stan @kamala_khan_for_president_

@SpadeValiant @yeeterparker @potatogun @antgirl @memeprincess @scarlet_bitch @minihawk @babyhawk 👀👀👀 @betterspidey

_Miles @betterspidey_

@SpadeValiant @yeeterparker @potatogun @antgirl @memeprincess @scarlet_bitch @minihawk @babyhawk @kamala_khan_for_president 👀👀👀 @nopeva

_Sam @nopeva_

@SpadeValiant @yeeterparker @potatogun @antgirl @memprincess @scarlet_bitch @minihawk @babyhawk @kamala_khan_for_president *dramatic sigh* dm me for my address

***

  **the kiddos**

 **Harley:** Does anyone know what the fuck just happened on twitter?

 **Shuri:** I have no clue

 **Lila:** I have a feeling that we just have aided another group of teenagers arrange a package drop off with an alien

 **Cooper:** Yeah, that sounds about right

***

_Spade Valiant @SpadeValiant_

@babyhawk @antgirl how did you know you two liked/loved each other? I support you two btw!

_Cassie @antgirl_

@SpadeValiant @babyhawk same as Lila said earlier, it was at the opening of the new Avengers HQ during the pranks. I saw the grin on her face as she shot the arrows at the glitter balloons and I was just like 😍😍😍

_Lila @babyhawk_

@SpadeValiant @antgirl 😘😘😘

***

_Kamala | Captain Marvel Stan @kamala_khan_for_president_

@memeprincess what do you think of Cats (2019)?

_Shuri @memeprincess_

@kamala_khan_for_president they made a cats movie, that sounds cool

_Shuri @memeprincess_

@kamala_khan_for_president I take it back, I just watched the trailer. We are no longer worthy of God’s forgiveness

***

_Just No One @JUST_NO_ONE_

@antgirl how do you put up with your dad’s antics?

_Cassie @antgirl_

@JUST_NO_ONE experience, the fact that I’m just as bad and that I have backup in the form of Hope

***

_Squid Kid @the_squidkid_

@yeeterparker @memeprincess @potatogun @antgirl @scarlet_bitch @minihawk @babyhawk what is it like to be the only ones that understand meme culture?

_Yeah, I’m Spider-Man @yeeterparker_

@the_squidkid @memeprincess @potatogun @antgirl @scarlet_bitch @minihawk @babyhawk it’s both a blessing and a curse

_Shuri @memeprincess_

@the_squidkid @yeeterparker @potatogun @antgirl @scarlet_bitch @minihawk @babyhawk agreed. Sometimes it's fun to troll people with memes but other hand you can absolutely devastate someone and they have no idea what the fuck you’re talking about

_Wanda @scarlet_bitch_

@the_squidkid @yeeterparker @memeprincess @potatogun @antgirl @minihawk @babyhawk it was already funny but I’ve now been added to the group chat with all the other parent avengers and seeing them complain about not being able to understand memes just makes it that much funnier

***

 

**Avengers and Ho**

**Rhodey:** Okay, so maybe that wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be

 **Peter:** I mean, we could’ve told you that

 **Wanda:** I’m pretty sure it did

 **Rhodey:** No, I pointed out that it could’ve gone horribly wrong and you guys were like “that’s the point”

 **Lila:** Nah, we were just messing with ya

 **Clint:** Somehow I don’t believe that

 **Lila:** Well, we were and there’s nothing you can do to prove otherwise father dearest

 **Laura:** Yeah, she’s lying through her teeth

 **Clint:** Yeah

 **Bruce:** How can you guys tell?

 **Clint:** She only ever calls me father dearest if she wants something/is trying to get out of trouble/is lying

 **Lila:** Oh shit

 **Laura:** LILA!

 **Lila:** Imma go now, bye

 **Rhodey:** …

 **Rhodey: @Peter Parker** considering how much of a success this was, how about the next time you do something like this, we include the rest of the team

 **Peter:**!!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> real-avengers-quotes.tumblr.com is now live btw
> 
> Side-note: Does anyone know how to add indents to text on ao3? Because my current method is "use a lot of spaces and hope it doesn't mess up the formatting".


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shuri: Side note, how would you like to hear Icy by Itzy every time you go through an automatic door?
> 
> Peter: That’s what I’ve always wanted
> 
> Peter: Can you do the same to the doors at school?
> 
> Shuri: Hell yes I’m going to do that
> 
> Shuri: And then deny all knowledge of it
> 
> Peter: Sounds like a plan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am aware that this took a small age to write, but in my defence, I spent forever writing ficmas 2019 and then I got emotionally sidetracked by Crisis On Infinite Earths. If it helps, this is the longest chapter yet. Also, the document is now 100 pages long and a pain tm to load on anything other than my laptop

  **the kiddos**

 **Lila:** How was everyone’s Christmas?

 **Wanda:** I had a great Hanukkah, thanks for asking

 **Cooper:** It was okay, but the company was awful

 **Wanda:** Bitch

 **Lila:** We are right here

 **Shuri:** Do you guys want to take this fight to your family group chat?

 **Lila:** Nah, this is more fun with an audience

 **Cassie:** I had a great Christmas, just missing a special someone 😉 uwu

 **Lila:** 😘

 **Cassie:** 😘 uwu

 **Shuri:** And do you two want to take the flirting to a private group chat?

 **Harley:** Are we still planning on causing chaos?

 **Peter:** What kind of stupid question is that?

 **Peter:** Of course we are

 **Shuri:** I’ve missed everyone so much, I can’t wait to see everyone again

 **Cassie:** I’m so bored waiting to see you guys again uwu

 **Peter:** Bitch, you got here half an hour ago

 **Cooper:** You’re there already?

 **Harley:** As per usual, the Bartons are the last people to arrive…

 **Cassie:** ^^ uwu…

 **Lila:** We were some of the first there last time…

 **Cooper:** I guess we’re ending texts like this now…

 **Shuri:** Seems so…

 **Lila:** In our defence, we have to keep stopping because _someone_ keeps making us stop to go to the bathroom…

 **Wanda:** Bitch, I am pregnant and I’ve gotta pee

 **Shuri:** The jury finds you innocent on all charges

 **Wanda:** 😁

 **Cooper:** 😒

 **Shuri: @Cooper Barton** she has got not one, but two babies pressing against her bladder, so sue her

 **Wanda: @Shuri Udaku** don’t give him ideas!!

 **Lila:** Aaaand we’re stopping again

 **Wanda:** I gotta pee!

 **Shuri:** She’s gotta pee!!

***

**the kiddos**

**Lila:** We’re finally here

 **Cassie:** On my way uwu

 **Peter:** I have never seen Cassie run out of a room so fast lmao

 **Harley:** Lesbians be like that sometimes

 **Cassie:** Fun fact: not a lesbian uwu

 **Shuri:** Bi?

 **Cassie:** Sorta, asexual-biromantic uwu

 **Cooper:** Whatever her sexuality is, she managed to get down to the car park in record time

 **Harley:** WLW be like that sometimes

 **Wanda:** Shenanigans planning meeting in conference room 3C at twenty past three, see you there

***

“So, we’re calling this ‘shenanigans’ now?” Shuri asked.

“We should’ve been calling this ‘shenanigans’ all along,” Wanda replied. “Now, what have we got planned?”

Harley and Peter each dumped a large box on the conference room table. “While we’re planning this, me and Harley are going to set up your surveillance system,” Peter explained as he and Harley began to pull computers out of the boxes.

Wanda moved out of the way of the two boys as they started setting up the computers on the conference table. “What ideas have people got?”

“We need to hack more kitchen appliances to play kpop song,” Shuri suggested. Wanda wrote the idea down on the whiteboard. Shuri jumped and scribbled down a few songs before returning to her seat. “Thanks for that Shuri. Has anyone else got any ideas?”

“Move all the furniture in the living room one inch to the left and all the furniture in the dining room one inch to the right,” Lila said.

“Diabolical, that’ll fuck with them,” Wanda replied as she wrote the idea down. “Anyone else?”

“Move around the stuff around in the kitchen cupboards so they don’t know where anything is,” Cooper suggested. Wanda nodded and wrote the idea on the board.

“Guys, these ideas are fun, but they’re all kinda tame,” Cassie said. “We need to come up with something so chaotic that we risk never being allowed near each other ever again. Even the Bartons, that’s how crazy we’re aiming to be.”

“And what is your chaotic idea?” Cooper asked.

“I haven’t got that far yet,” Cassie answered. “But I am working on it.”

“I have an idea,” Shuri said. Everyone turned to her as a mischievous grin spread across her face. “I have a running thing with my brother; The Floor Is Lava: Extreme Edition.”

“What’s The Floor Is Lava: Extreme Edition? Although, I’m kind of scared of the answer,” Cooper asked.

“I made a substance that looks and acts like lava, but without the heat, obviously we don’t want to melt the floor. However, one of the chemical components in the fake lava tricks the thermoreceptors in the skin into thinking it’s making contact with a heat source. T’Challa didn’t believe me that it would feel hot the first time that I deployed it, but he learnt quickly. I made socks that stop the fake lava so we can still walk around without touching it.”

“So, Shuri’s idea is tricking the adults into thinking that the floor is on fire and that it’s coming for them as well?” Wanda asked. Shuri nodded. “I like your style.” She wrote the idea on the board.

“The only downside is that it only lasts for between five and a half and seven minutes,” Shuri explained.

“That’s long enough to distract them,” Shuri added. Everyone turned to look at her. “The lava is so ridiculous and chaotic; they’ll think that it’s the main prank. But little do they know what we’re really up to.”

“And what are we really up to?” Harley asked.

“There’s still the old Iron Man suits here, right? The ones that can be controlled remotely?” Cassie replied.

“They’re downstairs in one of the labs,” Peter answered.

“We’re going to use them to help us fill all the hallways to the ceilings with plastic balls, like the ones you get in a ball pit,” Cassie explained. “We can get them online and have them shipped here by tomorrow, just not from Amazon though because fuck Jeff Bezos.”

“Fuck Jeff Bezos,” Shuri agreed. The two clinked their water bottles together as if they were champagne glasses at a fancy party.

Lila stared at her girlfriend in awe. “Cassie, that’s genius. I fucking love you.”

Cassie froze for a few moments. “I fucking love you too.” Everyone else stared at the couple, unsure about what happened before Cassie turned back to the board. “So, the plans are: make all the kitchen appliances play kpop: move all the furniture and stuff in the kitchen around; play The Floor Is Lava: Extreme Edition with everyone else and make the hallways inaccessible using plastic balls. They’re going to hate us.”

***

**(most of) the kiddos**

**Shuri:** What happened at the war council earlier?

 **Cooper:** War council??

 **Shuri:** Yes, that’s what we’re calling it

 **Shuri:** But, that tension between Lila and Cassie at the end though

 **Wanda:**!!!

 **Wanda:** Did we have the pleasure of witnessing [insert ship name here]’s first I love you?

 **Peter:** [insert ship name here]?

 **Wanda:** I don’t know what ship name we’re giving them, so until then I’m breaking out the square brackets

 **Harley:** I think we did witness their first I love you

 **Shuri:** This is fucking hilarious

***

 **Lila - > Cassie ** **😘😘😘**

 **Lila:** Do we need to talk about what happened in the planning meeting?

 **Cassie** **😘😘😘** **:** Is this about the I love you? uwu

 **Lila:** Yeah

 **Lila:** Look, I’m so sorry that I sprung that on you like that, especially in front of the others

 **Cassie:** I don’t care that you sprung it on me, it’s not like you were going to give me written warning the first time you told me you love me uwu

 **Lila:** And you’re not mad that I said it in front of the others?

 **Cassie:** You didn’t mean for it to come out in front of the rest of them uwu

 **Cassie:** Besides, it was hilarious to watch everyone else’s faces as they tried to figure out what was going on uwu

 **Lila:** You’re not mad at me?

 **Cassie:** Of course, I love you uwu

 **Lila:** I love you to uwu

 **Lila:** Dammit

***

  **the kiddos**

 **Harley:** The plastic balls have arrived, the chaos is beginning

 **Harley:** Me and Peter are putting them in bags on the arms of the Iron Man suits

 **Peter:** _attached photo of the Iron Man suits with large plastic bags filled with plastic balls lining the lab_

 **Peter:** It begins

 **Cassie:** How long will you be? uwu

 **Harley:** About another hour

 **Wanda:** I’m in the conference room

 **Lila:** Conference room?

 **Wanda:** *sigh* I’m in mission control **@Lila Barton** happy?

 **Lila:** Yes

 **Wanda:** How’s everyone else doing?

 **Cooper:** I’ve moved all the cutlery and utensils around

 **Cassie:** Me and Lila have moved everything around in the cupboards uwu

 **Lila:** If you want a bowl, check the cupboard the pans are usually in

 **Cooper: @Lila Barton** where you taking those plates earlier?

 **Lila:** I’ve hidden all the plates in the gym

 **Cooper:** Amazing

 **Shuri:** Have you ever wanted to make toast and listen to Butterfly to Loona at the same time? Well now you can because I have hacked the toaster

 **Peter:** That’s amazing, but the toaster doesn’t even have speakers, how did you do that?

 **Shuri:** I have my ways

 **Wanda:** What other kitchen appliances now play kpop songs?

 **Shuri:** The microwave plays Hip by Mamamoo, the freezer plays As If It’s Your Last by Blackpink, the ice cream machine plays Ice Cream Cake by Red Velvet and the popcorn machine plays Me by CLC

 **Shuri:** Side note, how would you like to hear Icy by Itzy every time you go through an automatic door?

 **Peter:** That’s what I’ve always wanted

 **Peter:** Can you do the same to the doors at school?

 **Shuri:** Hell yes I’m going to do that

 **Shuri:** And then deny all knowledge of it

 **Peter:** Sounds like a plan

***

Wanda was sat in front of the computers in mission control. Shuri was making sure that the computers Harley and Peter had set up were working correctly and that the comms system they’d stolen from an Avengers equipment storage room was connected properly.

“Test, one, two, three,” Shuri said into the comms as she put on the earpiece.

“Anything but that,” Peter replied over the comms.

Shuri grinned. “This is weird.”

“It’s weird.”

“Very weird.”

“Fucking weird.”

“Guys, we don’t have time for a full cover of Tango: Maureen,” Cassie sighed. “And it sounds like the comms units are working, so let’s get this chaos started.”

 Shuri was about to leave the room when she noticed Wanda wince slightly and shift uncomfortably in her seat. “Are you okay?” she asked.

“I’m fine,” she replied. “Go, they need you to deploy the lava.”

***

_Wanda: Is everyone ready?_

_Shuri: I’m about to go in and deploy the lava_

_Peter: The rest of us are hiding around the corner with the Iron Man suits and the plastic balls ready to block them in_

_Harley: Are they all in there?_

_Wanda: Almost, just sending a group text to get them all in there_

***

**Avengers and Ho**

**Wanda: @Everyone** team meeting in the living room

 **Rhodey:** What for?

 **Wanda:** Haven’t we got that TV appearance that we’re all meant to be doing on New Year’s Eve?

 **Wanda:** Like, don’t worry, the Avengers are still here to protect you if they need them, even though you haven’t seen them in months

 **Rhodey:** What about it?

 **Wanda:** We need to make sure that we all know what we’re doing so no one ends up acting like an idiot live on national TV

 **Rhodey:** Good point **@Everyone** you heard the lady, team meeting in the living room

***

_Cassie: I cannot believe they fell for that_

_Peter: I can_

_Shuri: I’m going in_

_[sounds of a door opening and the chattering noise of the adults talking in the background]_

_Shuri: THE FLOOR IS LAVA_

_[distant screams from T’Challa as Shuri slammed the door]_

_Wanda: I’m patching us up with the audio from the living room_

Rhodey: T’Challa, what are you doing?

Sam: Man, just get off the table

Clint: What the hell is that?

T’Challa: JUST GET OFF THE FLOOR

_Shuri: Listen to him, you fools!_

Laura: Why?

T’Challa: Shuri got mad that I didn’t listen whenever she played the floor is lava and I didn’t listen to her, so she made fake lava

Sam: And?

Bucky: Shit!

_Harley: What just happened?_

Bucky: What the hell?

_Wanda: The lava reached Bucky. He’s joined T’Challa on the coffee table_

Bucky: It burns!

_Cooper: What’s everyone else doing?_

_Wanda: Trying to get on the furniture_

_Lila: We’re moving in with the plastic balls_

_Wanda: I’ve locked the door remotely so they can’t get out and stop you_

_Cassie: Are you okay?_

_Wanda: Fine, why?_

_Cassie: You sound uncomfortable_

_Shuri: And you didn’t seem to good earlier_

_Wanda: I’m fine, really. Just hurry up with the plastic balls_

***

_Peter: Guys, what was that sound?_

_Harley: I think it was the electromagnetic lock on the door_

_Cassie: Why the fuck are they unlocking?_

_Lila: Wanda, I think we have a problem. Wanda? Wanda are you there?_

_Cooper: Guys, I think she’s gone_

_Shuri: Why’s she gone? And where’d she go?_

_Peter: The living room door is opening_

_Lila: Mom?_

_Cooper: Where’s Mom going?_

_Shuri: The lava’s coming towards us!_

_Cassie: Abort the mission. Abort The Mission! ABORT THE MISSION!_

_Shuri: Fucking run!_

***

  **the kiddos**

 **Cooper:** So, we have been banished to different rooms

 **Harley:** It appears so

 **Shuri:** I have some good news

 **Cassie:** What? uwu

 **Shuri:** They sent me to conference room 3C

 **Lila:** Mission control!!

 **Shuri:** I’m going to check through the computer’s history to see what happened to Wanda

 **Peter:** What have you found?

 **Shuri:** Nothing yet, give me a chance

 **Peter:** Let's tell jokes to pass the time

 **Harley:** Why did Mary fall off the swing?

 **Cooper:** I don’t know

 **Harley:** Because she had no arms or legs

 **Cooper:** Dude

 **Cassie:** Knock knock uwu

 **Cooper:** Who’s there?

 **Cassie:** Not Mary uwu

 **Harley:** Nice

 **Cooper:** Y’all are fucked up

 **Shuri:** I found something

 **Lila:** What?

 **Shuri:** Give me a chance

 **Shuri:** Wanda deactivated her comms unit just before she deactivated the lock on the living room door

 **Shuri:** And then Laura like fucking parkoured her way out of there and towards mission control

 **Cooper:** But where did she go?

 **Wanda:** I believe I have an answer for that

 **Cassie: @Wanda Maximoff** bitch, where the fuck is you? uwu

 **Wanda:** Hospital

 **Peter: @Wanda Maximoff** WHAT THE FUCK?

 **Shuri:** So, when I asked you if you were alright, you were lying and were actually going into labour?

 **Wanda:** Yes, but in my defence, I thought they were just more Braxton Hicks

 **Harley:**??

 **Wanda:** Fake contractions to get you ready for the real ones

 **Lila:** Oh yeah, you were getting those a lot the last week or so

 **Cooper: @Wanda Maximoff** are Mom and Dad with you?

 **Wanda:** Yeah, they both brought me here

 **Wanda: @Lila Barton @Cooper Barton** Dad said he’s coming back to get you two after everyone gets yelled at for the lava

 **Lila:** **👍**

 **Shuri:** What about the rest of us?

 **Wanda:** I think that you’re coming tomorrow in visiting hours

 **Cassie:** Cool, see you then uwu

***

  **the kiddos**

 **Cassie:** Okay, we’re on our way uwu

 **Wanda:** But I said literally half an hour ago that most of you can’t come here until tomorrow

 **Shuri:** But they left me in mission control, which meant it was all too easy for me to organise our escape

 **Shuri:** I managed to lock them in the living room again, only for a few minutes this time

 **Shuri:** We’re on our way now

 **Cassie:** Harley is driving us there uwu

 **Lila:** We did have a slight issue though

 **Wanda:** I’m scared to ask

 **Lila:** The only eight-seater car at the Compound is in use so we had to just take a five-seater

 **Wanda:** The eight-seater is our family car

 **Wanda:** The one that we brought all the baby stuff in just in case

 **Wanda:** The one that Mom and Dad took me to the hospital in

 **Wanda:** Wait, if you could only get a five-seater, who did you leave behind?

 **Lila:** No one

 **Cassie:** Cooper is in on a chair in the boot uwu

 **Cassie:** He’s held in place with bungee cables uwu

 **Wanda:** Is that safe?

 **Peter:** He’ll be fine

 **Cooper:** I do not feel safe

 **Shuri:** He’ll be fine

 **Shuri:** Trust me, I’m a scientist™

 **Wanda:** I trust you

 **Cooper:** I don’t

***

“Turn left! Turn left! Turn left!” Lila yelled. Harley, panicked by Lila’s tone, turned the car suddenly, driving sharply into the carpark of a supermarket. Everyone yelped as they were thrown violently to the side, Cooper and his chair falling over in the boot of the car. Lila leant forward from where she was sat in the middle seat in the back of the car to glare at Harley in the driver’s seat. “You didn’t indicate your turn.”

“What the fuck Lila?” Harley demanded. “Why did you scare me like that?”

“We haven’t got anything for Wanda and the babies,” Lila argued. “Good thing I spotted this target. And good thing you parked in their carpark.” She unbuckled her belt, leant across her girlfriend to open the car door and proceeded to climb over Cassie’s lap to get out of the car.

“You could’ve just waited for me to get out,” Cassie said as she got out of the car and walked over to her girlfriend. Lila shrugged and pressed a kiss to Cassie’s cheek as she took her hand. (Most of) The rest of the group got out and joined the girls. “Where’s Cooper?”

Lila gasped. “I left him in the boot.” She raced back to the boot of the car and opened the boot lid. She detangled her brother from the bungee cords and helped him get off the chair. “We’re good,” she yelled back to the rest of the group. The two walked over and then they all headed inside the shop.

“So, what do we need?” Shuri asked.

“Flowers, balloons and maybe a couple of giant teddy bears for the twins,” Lila listed.

“And how are going to pay for all of this?” Cooper asked.

“You guys do remember that I am a member of the royal family of the richest country on the planet,” Shuri reminded. “Right, me and Peter will go get the balloons, Lila and Cassie will go get the teddy bears and Harley and Cooper will get the flowers. Everyone meet back here in twenty minutes.”

The others nodded, split into the three groups and headed off into the store, Harley and Cooper immediately doubling back on themselves when they realised they went the wrong way.

***

“Which ones do we get?” Shuri asked as she looked at the display of balloons. “Like, the congratulations it’s a boy balloon seem the obvious route, but their blue and I don’t want to enforce the gender stereotypes surrounding colours with kids that young.”

Peter stared at her. “That was weird because you opened your mouth, but MJ started speaking.”

“Well, your girlfriend has a point,” Shuri replied as she hit him in the arm.

“Yeah, and also, what happens if the doctors were wrong and she has girls instead?” Peter added.

“Generic congratulations balloon?” Shuri asked.

“Yeah,” Peter agreed. He grabbed the balloon from the rack. The pair began to make their way towards the customer service desk to get the balloons filled with helium when Shuri suddenly stopped in front of Peter, causing him to crash into her back. “Shuri, what the hell?”

Shuri pointed towards another balloon, a mad grin on her face. “We have to get that one.”

Peter looked to where she was pointing, and a similar grin spread across his face. “Oh, we definitely are.”

***

“Just pick one,” Cassie said with a sigh.

Lila was stood in front of the display of cuddly toys. “But there’s so many of them,” she complained. “How am I meant to choose just one? Besides, I can’t just pick one, she’s having twins, we need to get two.”

“We’re just going to get them matching ones anyway,” Cassie replied.

Lila turned around to face her girlfriend, a look of horror on her face. “We can’t get them the same ones! Similar, yes, but the same, we can’t do that, no way.”

Cassie rolled her eyes before noticing two teddy bears on a higher shelf. “What about those?”

Lila followed her gaze. There were two bears, almost the same but with slightly different colouring. One had silvery-grey coloured fur with a shimmering green ribbon tied in a bow around its neck; the other had dark brown fur with a red ribbon. “They’re perfect.” She tried to grab one of each down from the top shelf but couldn’t quite reach.

“Do you want me to get them for you?” Cassie offered.

“Yes please.”

Cassie grabbed one of each and handed them to her girlfriend. “I get why you keep me around.” Lila seemed confused. “Because you need someone to get thinks of top shelves.”

“That’s not fair, I am only three inches shorter than you,” Lila whined. She looked down. “And you’re wearing heeled boots!”

“Excuses, excuses,” Cassie teased. She looked at Lila and grinned before looping her arm around Lila’s shoulder as they made their way towards the registers.

***

Harley let out a small sneeze. “I fucking hate flowers,” he muttered.

“Allergies?” Cooper asked. Harley nodded. “Then why did you agree to come with me to get the flowers.”

“Because Shuri said to and I wasn’t going to disagree with her,” Harley replied.

“That’s fair,” Cooper agreed. “What should we get?”

“I don’t give a fuck, just pick something so we can get away from all these flowers,” Harley complained.

Cooper grabbed a bouquet of yellow and purple flowers and dragged Harley away from the display of flowers and towards the registers.

***

“Can I not go in the boot this time?” Cooper asked. The rest of the group looked between themselves, waiting for someone to answer. “Anyone?”

“It’s my car, so I can’t go in the boot,” Harley answered.

“And I need to be in the front, I’m the only one who knows this area, if we hit any roadblocks, I’ll need to give directions,” Peter added.

“That’s a bullshit answer and you know it,” Cooper replied. He turned to look at Shuri, Lila and Cassie. “What about you three?” Cassie linked her arm with Lila’s. “Ok, so the girlfriends are staying together. Shuri?” The princess seemed unsure. “Come on, it was your idea to put someone in the boot rather than take two cars, your design for the makeshift chair and belt and you’re the one that told me that it was completely safe.”

Shuri sighed. “Listen, there is nothing in life that is completely safe.”

“So you admit that it is a dangerous death-trap?” Cooper asked.

“That is not what I said!” Shuri exclaimed. “All I’m saying is that if in the highly unlikely event that we are involved in a car crash, you would have the lowest chance of surviving.”

“That’s really reassuring, how about you take that seat and have the lowest chance of surviving in the highly unlikely event of a car crash,” Cooper suggested.

“Unfortunately, that’s not going to be a possibility,” Shuri replied. Everyone else got into the car in an attempt to escape the argument. “Listen, it isn’t anything personal against you, but if I get killed in a car crash then Wakanda is left without an heir.”

“T’Challa?”

“He doesn’t count, he can’t be his own heir. And he and Nakia don’t have kids yet, so I’m all my country has got.”

Cooper sighed. “I’ll go in the boot.”

***

  **the kiddos**

 **Cooper:** Apparently I am less important than other people’s in this car so it’s okay for me to die in a car crash because it won’t cause an international political incident

 **Shuri:** Not so much an international political incident, but rather causing the government of an African country to become destabilised

 **Wanda:** I’m so confused

 **Lila:** Cooper has to sit in the boot so that if we get in a car crash, he dies instead of Shuri and Wakanda isn’t left without an heir

 **Wanda:** …

 **Wanda:** Are you guys nearly here?

 **Peter:** About five minutes out

 **Cassie:** See you soon uwu

 **Wanda:** See you uwu

 **Wanda:** Dammit

***

“Hi, we’re here to see Wanda Maximoff,” Cassie said as she and the rest of the group crowded around the reception desk of the maternity unit.

The receptionist seemed confused by the large group of teens (and one Harley in his early twenties) suddenly appearing at her desk late at night. “Waiting room down the hall, I’ll let them know you’re here.” As the group turned away, they heard the receptionist pick up the phone. “A group of kids just arrived asking about Miss Maximoff, can someone pass on a message to her room please?”

***

**Lila - > Mom**

**Mom:** What are you doing here?

 **Lila:** We wanted to make sure that Wanda and the babies were doing okay

 **Lila:** How is everyone doing?

 **Mom:** Everyone’s doing fine so far

 **Lila:** Any babies yet?

 **Mom:** None yet, we’ll keep you updated

 **Lila:** Do you think we’ll be able to come in and see her?

 **Mom:** Probably not right now, don’t want to overcrowd her

 **Lila:** Ok

 **Lila:** Will you let her know we’re all here, I tried texting her, but she hasn’t read my messages

 **Mom:** She’s kinda busy right now

 **Lila:** I get that, but can you just let her know?

 **Mom:** Of course I will

***

It was just gone three in the morning and the group had been camped out in the hospital waiting room for six hours. Lila had her legs curled up on her seat, head resting on Cassie’s shoulder. Cooper was reading a gossip magazine that he’d found on a table in the waiting room; it was at least three months old and Cooper had read it three times already. Peter and Shuri were playing against each other on Mario Kart Tour.

The room was completely silent, aside from the music and sound effects on Shuri and Peter’s phones, until Clint walked into the room. Peter and Shuri immediately abandoned their game and Cooper ditched the magazine. Cassie bolted upright, jolting Lila and causing the girl to wake up.

“What’s going on?” Lila asked sleepily as she looked around the room. Her eyes landed on Clint. “Is it Wanda? Is she okay? Has she had the babies?”

“Calm down,” Clint replied with a slight laugh. “She’s delivered both babies and all three of them are doing fine.”

“Can we see them?” Cooper asked.

“In a few minutes,” Clint answered. “Let her get settled first. Besides, the boys are both just getting checked over. Laura’s still with her.” He looked over at the stack of presents taking over three of the waiting room chairs. “You guys got a bit carried away with presents.”

“Maybe we did,” Shuri agreed.

***

Wanda was holding one of her sons as the group trailed in, Laura was sat in the chair next to her, holding the other. She smiled brightly at her friends. “You guys didn’t have to come, but thanks anyway.” She spotted the balloons. “Is that what I think it is?”

“If you mean a giant Scarlet Witch balloon, then yes it is,” Shuri replied. “We were only going to get the congratulations balloons and then I spotted that one and we had to get it.”

“You guys are ridiculous,” Wanda teased. She noticed that Lila was slowly edging closer to her bed. “Come here.”

Lila grinned and sat on the edge of her sister’s bed. Wanda leaned over and carefully placed the baby in her arms. Lila smiled down at her nephew. “Who’ve I got?”

“That’s Thomas, Mom has William,” she answered.

“Did you decide on middle names?” Cooper asked. “We won’t be offended if you didn’t choose our names.”

“Speak for yourself,” Harley muttered, earning confused glances and glares from the rest of the room.

Wanda rolled her eyes. “Thomas Erik and William Django Maximoff.”

“Django, that was Pietro’s middle name, wasn’t it?” Lila asked.

Wanda nodded. “Erik and Django are both family names.” She looked over at both of her sons. “I’m just happy that I was able to pass both of the names on.” She let out a slight yawn.

“Okay guys, I think it’s time for us to let Wanda rest,” Clint said as he turned to usher the group out of the room. The presents were placed on a table in the corner. Clint saw that Lila was still sat on the edge of Wanda’s bed. “Lila, come on.” Lila reluctantly placed Thomas in his cot next to William’s, before following the rest of her friends out of the room. “I’ve called Scott, he’s coming to pick you guys up.”

“We can drive back,” Shuri offered.

“Some of you can,” Clint replied. “But Scott is going to drive at least one of you back to the Compound. Wanda told me about how you got here, and I would prefer it if I could guarantee that my kids aren’t going to get killed in a car crash.”

“Yeah, that wasn’t the safest design I’ve ever made,” Shuri admitted.

“Oh, so _now_ she admits that it was a death trap,” Cooper complained.

“Kids, just stop,” Clint said. The group had reached the hospital car park where Scott was just pulling up alongside the car the others had arrived in earlier. “We’ll see you in the morning.”

Lila and Cassie linked arms and walked towards where Scott was waiting, the rest making their way towards their car.

Cooper ended up sat next to Shuri for the car ride back to the Compound. He threw a glance back at the chair and bungee cables in the boot of the car before turning to look at Shuri. “I hate you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shout out to Serenitysfire98 for the idea for Billy's middle name


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cassie: Oh yeah, there was a global pandemic in 2020 uwu

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm in self-isolation, I haven't left the house in almost a week and I am already going insane, send help.
> 
> Also, just because I have nothing to do and nowhere to go, it doesn't mean I am going to updating this or any of my other fics more often. I'm going to have the same inconsistent and wildly spaced out uploading schedule as normal, only I'm going to be more creative in my procrastination

   **the kiddos**

 **Lila:** So, we’re stopping at our grandparents again

 **Peter:** Makes sense, I wouldn’t want to do that whole trip with two babies in one go

 **Cooper:** And Grandma has to be nice this time

 **Shuri: @Wanda Maximoff** I thought that you were going to make up with her over Thanksgiving

 **Wanda:** Honestly, I slept through most of their visit, but in my defence, I was creating two whole new people and that was making me very tired

 **Cassie:** That’s completely understandable uwu

 **Lila:** You were on Tumblr for like half the time you were upstairs

 **Lila:** Don’t lie, I follow you on there

 **Wanda:** Being around her is just tiring in general

 **Wanda:** I just needed to rest somewhere away from her

 **Cassie:** Also completely understandable uwu

 **Cooper: @Lila Barton** how do you know that Wanda was spending so much time on Tumblr?

 **Lila:** Because I was also hiding from Grandma

 **Cooper:** So you admit it, you were hiding and leaving alone with Grandma and Grandad

 **Cooper:** Upset stomach my ass

 **Wanda:** We’re here, kill me please

 **Cooper:** Press f to pay respects

 **Lila:** f

 **Cassie:** f uwu

 **Peter:** f

 **Shuri:** f

 **Harley:** f

***

  **the kiddos**

 **Cassie: @Wanda Maximoff** how is everything going? uwu

 **Lila:** Wanda can’t come to the phone right now, she’s screaming into a pillow

 **Peter:** Oh no

 **Harley:** What happened?

 **Cooper:** It literally started before we even got through the front door

 **Shuri:** Oh shit

 **Cooper:** Dad told Wanda to just take the boys straight inside and that one of us would bring in her bags and so of course gran made a bitchy comment about her not bringing in her bags

 **Lila:** And even though she knows that Wanda is vegetarian AND Jewish, she decided to serve pork for dinner. And then got all pissed off when Wanda said she couldn’t eat it

 **Wanda:** I ordered a subway from uber eats and got it through the window

 **Shuri:** She lives!!

 **Wanda:** I live, unfortunately

 **Wanda:** I should probably stop making jokes about hating being alive and having nothing to live for in front of kids, shouldn’t I?

 **Cassie:** Probably uwu

 **Wanda:** Yeah, I love my sons, they’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me and I don’t know how I coped thinking I’d lost them after the snap

 **Harley:** Bitch, you okay?

 **Wanda:** I am tired, hormonal and very fucking emotional right now

 **Wanda:** Just let me be

 **Harley:** Okay, you do you

 **Wanda:** Thanks

 **Wanda:** The boys are both asleep, so I’m going to try and sleep now before they wake me up in the middle of the night when they’re hungry

 **Cassie:** Sleep well uwu

 **Lila:** You better not wake me up when you do

 **Wanda:** They’ve stuck us in the same room, if they start crying, then you’re gonna hear it

***

**Harley - > Cassie**

**Harley:** I have an idea

 **Cassie:** I’m interested uwu

 **Harley:** We’ve been terrorising them memes they missed, but we haven’t even touched TikTok trends yet

 **Harley:** And I know exactly which one to start with

 **Cassie:** I know which one you’re talking about and I agree that we should terrorise them, but we should wait until the morning so we don’t wake Wanda uwu

 **Harley:** She just had two kids, won’t she have her phone on silent overnight so she can get some sleep?

 **Cassie:** She will, but Wanda and Lila are sharing a room and there is no chance in hell that she thought to put her phone on silent uwu

 **Harley:** Fair point, Lila wouldn’t think to turn her phone off

 **Cassie:** Don’t be mean to my girlfriend uwu

 **Harley:** But she’s pretty dumb sometimes

 **Cassie:** That’s true, but I am still here to defend her honour uwu

 **Harley:** Aw, we stan a supportive girlfriend, even if her girlfriend is a dumbass

***

  **the kiddos**

 **Harley:** Last night I had the strangest dream

 **Cooper:** Do tell

 **Harley:** I sailed away to China

 **Peter:** Not that strange, but do continue

 **Cassie:** In a little rowboat to find you

 **Lila:** What happened to the uwus?

 **Shuri:** I feel like something is happening right now, but I don’t know what

 **Harley:** And you said you had to get your laundry cleaned

 **Cassie:** Didn’t want no one to hold you

 **Harley:** What does that mean?

 **Cassie:** And you said…

 **Harley:** AIN’T NOTHING GONNA BREAK MY STRIDE

 **Cassie:** NOBODY GONNA SLOW ME DOWN

 **Harley:** OH NO

 **Cassie:** I GOT TO KEEP ON MOVING

 **Wanda:** What the ever-loving fuck just happened?

 **Shuri:** I don’t know, and I hate not knowing

***

  **the kiddos**

 **Lila:** We’re almost home!!!

 **Lila:** And Wanda has given the babies nicknames

 **Wanda:** Calling them Thomas and William all the time just felt weirdly formal

 **Wanda:** They’re Tommy and Billy now

 **Wanda:** And they’re finally asleep, thank god

 **Shuri:** You gonna nap?

 **Wanda:** I’m gonna nap

 **Shuri:** Good for you

 **Cooper: @Lila Barton** just spent five minutes trying to push a pull door

 **Harley:** Where are you guys for her to get stuck trying to open the doors?

 **Cooper:** We’re at home, she forgot how to open the bathroom door in the house we’ve lived in our entire lives

 **Lila:** Shut up

 **Harley: @Cassie Lang** told you so

 **Cassie:** She said shut up uwu

 **Lila:**???

 **Cassie:** He was being mean about you last night, but don’t worry, I stuck up for you babe uwu

 **Shuri: @Cassie Lang** is morosexual lmao

 **Lila:** Don’t call my girlfriend a moron!

***

_Three hours later_

  **the kiddos**

 **Lila:** Hey!

***

**the kiddos**

**Harley:** What hobbies do you guys have that people wouldn’t expect you to have?

 **Harley:** Asking because someone at work today said I don’t seem like someone writes Doctor Who fanfiction in his free time

 **Peter:** But that’s your main hobby

 **Harley:** I know!

 **Peter:** I bake and decorate cakes and cookies

 **Shuri:** Can confirm, I help eat them

 **Peter:** You are an annoying roommate

 **Shuri:** 😁

 **Shuri:** Also, I like to make soap

 **Wanda:** I spend half my time looking at custom content for the sims 4, making new families and building cool lots. And I also play the game occasionally

 **Cooper:** I knit. Wanda was gotten a lot of hats and blankets for the babies

 **Cassie:** I cross-stitch, but mainly patterns from shitpostsampler uwu

 **Lila:** I compete in show jumping competitions

 **Cooper:** Hopefully this won’t go to her head, but she’s really good

 **Wanda:** There’s a whole trophy cabinet downstairs filled with her trophies and medals

 **Peter: @Harley Keener** what happened at work for Doctor Who fanfiction to be brought up?

 **Harley:** Three of us are hiding in a supply closet because a crazy customer released eight wild raccoons into the store

 **Shuri:** What the fuck

 **Harley:** It’s been four hours and animal control still haven’t been able to catch them all

 **Cassie:** Where do you work that people release wild raccoons into the store? uwu

 **Lila:** Yeah, you never said where you work

 **Harley:** Computer repair shop, she released them in here because apparently it’s our fault that her computer got a virus and not her fifteen-year-old son downloading porn

 **Harley:** I fucking hate this

 **Harley:** Both of my co-workers are driving me insane, if I have to spend one more minute with them then I am going to kill someone, either me or one of them

 **Harley:** It’s like 2020 all over again

 **Cassie:** That was so annoying. Uncle Luis had let one of his cousins crash on our couch for a few nights just before that all kicked off and because he’d just gotten back from northern Italy, me and Uncle Luis ended up in quarantine for two weeks and then we immediately went into isolation to avoid getting sick uwu

 **Peter:**??

 **Cassie:** Oh yeah, there was a global pandemic in 2020 uwu

 **Wanda:** There was a fucking what?

 **Harley:** It was pretty weird, especially when the first news about it was coming out of China like a week after Donald Trump almost started world war three via twitter

 **Cassie:** And Australia was on fire uwu

 **Harley:** And the stock markets crashed

 **Cassie:** And that was just the first three months uwu

 **Harley:** 2020 kinda sucked tbh

 **Cooper:** For the first time since we came back, I am actually glad that Thanos fucking killed me because I wouldn’t have wanted to live through that shitshow

 **Cassie:** Completely fair, I did lose my mind slightly. The cabin fever was unbearable uwu

 **Harley:** Tiktok was the only thing that kept me sane

 **Peter:** Not a sentence I was expecting to hear today but then again, I didn’t even know you guys had had a fucking global pandemic

 **Cassie:** It be like that sometimes uwu

***

  **the kiddos**

 **Harley:** Animal control finally caught the raccoons. The police also checked her house and it turns out she has a whole pen full of wild raccoons at home

 **Harley:** Apparently she was catching them in the woods near her house and trying to domesticate them and then sell them to rich crazy people

 **Harley:** If she hadn’t released them into the store, then I would respect her for her scheme, but I just had to relive all my suppressed coronavirus quarantine memories from four years ago

 **Wanda:** Speaking of the coronavirus, I just found out that Eurovision 2020 got cancelled because of the coronavirus

 **Wanda:** I also cannot believe that the Netherlands won in 2019, Norway was fucking robbed

 **Lila:** Here we go…

 **Peter:**??

 **Cooper:** She gets very passionate about Eurovision

 **Lila:** It’s kinda annoying tbh

 **Wanda:** A ballad? What the actual fuck? It’s all the jury’s fault, especially when you realise that Norway’s performance for the jury had technical issues and they wouldn’t let them perform again and so they got marked down

 **Wanda:** And they got the most votes from the public, it was so stupid

 **Cassie: @Wanda Maximoff** are you okay? uwu

 **Wanda:** I am running on very little sleep and I am still annoyed at _Kathy_ and I am taking out all my anger on the people who were running Eurovision in 2019

 **Harley:** Who's Kathy?

 **Cooper:** Our gran

 **Peter:** Makes sense. Well, you have fun

 **Wanda:** I CAN’T HAVE FUN, SPIRIT IN THE SKY WAS FUCKING ROBBED

 **Harley:** This is going to go on for a while, isn’t it?

 **Lila:** Unfortunately so

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I stand by Wanda's comments about Norway being robbed in Eurovision last year


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 🎵 I am in quarantine🎵  
> 🎵 It’s corona time🎵

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me: *trying to sleep at 2am*  
> My brain: What if Cassie and Harley had been friends while everyone was dead?  
> Me: Oh my god, what if Cassie and Harley had been friends while everyone was dead?

**Unknown number**

**Unknown number:** Hello?

 **Harley:** Who is this?

 **Unknown number:** Cassie Lang, Ant-Man’s daughter

 **Unknown number:** This is Harley Keener right

 **Unknown number:** We met a few weeks ago when me and my Uncle Luis visited the Avengers’ Compound for the one-year memorial service

 **Harley:** Oh yeah, I remember you

_Contact saved as “Cassie Lang”_

**Harley:** Is there something wrong?

 **Harley:** And how did you get this number?

 **Cassie:** Pepper gave it to me. And I just wanted to talk to someone else who understood what it was like to get caught up in all this superhero drama

 **Harley:** That’s fair

 **Harley:** Weird question, but how old are you?

 **Cassie:** Eleven, why?

 **Harley:** Cool, I’m officially appointing myself as your older brother figure

 **Cassie:** Just what I wanted, a sixteen-year-old brother to look up to who will happily lead me astray

 **Harley:** How dare you!

 **Harley:** I am seventeen

 **Cassie:** But you’re on board with being a bad influence?

 **Harley:** Of course I am, it sounds like fun

 **Harley:** And for what it’s worth, I’m sorry about what happened to your parents

 **Harley:** And your stepparents

 **Harley:** And your step-grandparents

 **Harley:** Wow, Thanos really did you dirty

 **Cassie:** He did

 **Cassie:** And thanks

 **Harley:** Don’t mention it

***

**Harley - > Cassie**

**Harley:** Happy twelfth birthday!!

 **Cassie:** Thank you

 **Harley:** You get anything good?

 **Cassie:** Uncle Luis got me an ant farm and my grandparents sent me some nice clothes

 **Harley:** Why don’t you live with your grandparents, if you don’t mind me asking

 **Cassie:** After everyone disappeared, they did want me to go and live with them, but they live in Florida and I didn’t want to leave my home just after I lost everyone

 **Cassie:** And they thought that my Dad wasn’t good enough for my Mom and never got on with him. I didn’t want to go live people who I knew would be mean about my dead Dad

 **Harley:** What about your Dad’s parents?

 **Cassie:** Both died before I was born

 **Harley:** How did you convince them to let you stay with Luis?

 **Cassie:** Lots of crying and the judge had a dozen other custody cases to do that afternoon so he just asked me who I wanted to live with and when I said Uncle Luis, he signed legal guardianship over to Uncle Luis

 **Harley:** That sounds like it sucked, I’m so sorry

 **Harley:** Me and my sister really lucked out when we didn’t lose our Mom, we probably would’ve been split up

 **Cassie:** Thanks, and I’m really glad that you guys got to stay together

***

**Cassie - > Harley**

**Cassie:** Happy new year!

 **Harley:** Happy new year!

 **Cassie:** Here’s to a great 2020

 **Harley:** I have a feeling that this year is going to be a great year

 **Cassie:** I’ll hold you to that

 **Cassie:** And it’s your birthday in a couple of days

 **Harley:** I can’t wait

***

**Cassie - > Harley**

**Cassie:** _I have a feeling that this year is going to be a great year_ he said

 **Cassie:** It is three days into the new year and world war three is about to start

 **Harley:** I regret ever speaking

 **Cassie:** Oh, and happy birthday loser

 **Harley:** Thank

 **Cassie:** Welc

 **Cassie:** Oh, you’re legally an adult now

 **Harley:** I know

 **Cassie:** Have fun paying taxes

***

**Cassie - > Harley**

**Cassie:** _I have a feeling that this year is going to be a great year_ he said

 **Harley:** Please stop

 **Cassie:** Australia is on fire

 **Cassie:** I’m blaming you for this

 **Harley:** That’s completely fair

***

**Cassie - > Harley**

**Cassie:** _I have a feeling that this year is going to a great year_ he said

 **Harley:** What happened this time?

 **Cassie:** Australia is flooded

 **Harley:** Australia is really having a rough time this year

***

**Cassie - > Harley**

**Cassie:** Uncle Luis’ cousin is crashing with us for a few days and he just got back from Italy and he brought back so much pasta, this is best to happen to me in years

 **Harley:** I’m really jealous right now

 **Cassie:** 😋

***

**Cassie - > Harley**

**Cassie:** You shouldn’t be jealous

 **Harley:** Why?

 **Cassie:** Uncle Luis’ cousin had been to Northern Italy where the coronavirus is and now we’re in quarantine

 **Cassie:** I have to spend two weeks locked in my house with only Uncle Luis for company

 **Harley:** I thought you liked living with your Uncle Luis

 **Cassie:** I do, but spending two weeks with just one person is going to drive me insane

*******

**Cassie - > Harley**

**Cassie:** _🎵_ _I am in quarantine_ _🎵_

**Harley:** **_🎵_** _It’s corona time_ ** _🎵_**

 **Cassie:** Is this a healthy way to cope?

 **Harley:** Welcome to the gen z method using memes to cope with stress

 **Harley:** Please enjoy your stay

 **Cassie:** Were the memes like this after everyone disappeared

 **Cassie:** I was ten and didn’t have any social media

 **Harley:** The memes were amazing if you could see them through your tears

 **Harley:** The disintegrate effect was being edited onto every photo

 **Cassie:** Amazing

 **Harley:** Do you have a TikTok?

 **Cassie:** No, why?

 **Harley:** I’m setting you up with one

 **Harley:** I feel like you could have some fun on there

*******

**Harley - > Cassie**

**Harley:** Happy birthday nerd

 **Cassie:** Thank you!

 **Harley:** You’re a teenager now

 **Cassie:** I know, it feels really weird

 **Harley:** You’re growing up, welcome to the real world kiddo

 **Cassie:** I’m not the one that has to pay taxes…

 **Harley:** Bitch

*******

**Cassie - > Harley**

**Cassie:** Happy new year

 **Harley:** Here’s to a good 2021

 **Cassie:** Don’t say it

 **Cassie:** Not after everything that happened last year

 **Harley:** Don’t worry, I’m not going to risk it

***

**Harley - > Cassie**

**Harley:** Me and my mates are going to be visiting San Francisco in a couple of months, want to meet up?

 **Cassie:** Are you sure your friends want to hang out with a little kid? I’m six years younger than you guys

 **Harley:** They’ve heard me talk about you before and want to meet you. Besides they get along with my sister, they’ll get along with you too

 **Cassie:** Ok, where and when do you want to meet?

*******

**Harley - > Cassie**

**Harley:** We’re outside

 **Cassie:** On my way

*******

**Harley - > Cassie**

**Harley:** Tell your Uncle Luis that I’ll pay for the dry cleaning

 **Harley:** And that it’s my blood, not yours

 **Harley:** And I’m very sorry

 **Cassie:** You’re an idiot

*******

**Harley - > Cassie**

**Harley:** I spy with my little eye someone that turns fourteen today

 **Harley:** Happy birthday!

 **Cassie:** Thanks

*******

**Cassie - > Harley**

**Cassie:** Do you like your Christmas present? uwu

 **Harley:** It’s a giant oil painting of Captain Marvel’s interview at area 51

 **Harley:** I fucking love it, thank you

 **Cassie:** You’re welcome uwu

 **Harley:** What’s with the uwus?

 **Cassie:** Just trying something out, what do you think? uwu

 **Harley:** Please stop

 **Cassie:** Okay

*******

**Cassie - > Harley**

**Cassie:** Happy new year

 **Cassie:** Here’s to an amazing 2022

 **Harley:** I have a feeling that this year is going to be a great year

 **Cassie:** No!!

 **Harley:** What?

 **Cassie:** Last time you said that was New Year’s Day 2020 and look how that turned out

 **Cassie:** World war three almost started, Australia was on fire and then got flooded, then we had coronavirus all in the first three months and that was the quiet part of the year

 **Cassie:** And then you didn’t say it last year and 2021 was great, the incident aside

 **Cassie:** And now you’ve jinxed this year

 **Harley:** Oops

 **Cassie:** Fucker

 **Harley:** Baby’s first swear word!

 **Cassie:** Hey! I swear!

 **Cassie:** I’m fourteen, not four

***

**Harley - > Cassie**

**Harley:** Fifteen today, only three years away from the amazing adult world of paying taxes

 **Cassie:** You’re never going to let that go, are you?

 **Harley:** No way

*******

**Harley - > Cassie**

**Harley:** _I have a feeling that this year is going to be a great year_ he said. _And now you’ve jinxed this year_ she said

 **Harley:** And then nothing happened

 **Cassie:** Calm down, we’ve still got another week to go

 **Harley:** What can happen in a week

*******

**Cassie - > Harley**

**Cassie:** That’s what can happen in a week

 **Harley:** Well shit

*******

**Harley - > Cassie**

**Harley:** Happy new year!

 **Harley:** Don’t worry, I’m not going to jinx 2023

 **Cassie:** I have a feeling that this year is going to be a great year

 **Harley:** Cassie!

 **Cassie:** What, maybe it won’t be cursed if I say it

 **Harley:** Are you implying that I was the problem?

 **Cassie:** I can say it plainly if that helps

 **Harley:** I hate you sometimes

 **Cassie:** No you don’t

 **Harley:** I don’t

 **Harley:** Being serious for a moment, it has been great having someone to talk to the last few years that gets what it’s like to be dragged into the crazy world of the Avengers

 **Cassie:** Same. I tried talking with my friends at school and none of them understood

***

**Cassie - > Harley**

**Cassie:** You won’t believe what just happened

 **Harley:** Luis didn’t yell at Dave and Kurt for stacking the dishwasher wrong?

 **Cassie:** WHO PUTS PLATES ON THE TOP?

 **Cassie:** But that’s not it

 **Harley:** What happened?

 **Cassie:** My Dad just turned up at my door

 **Harley:** The fuck

 **Harley:** I thought he was dead

 **Cassie:** So did I

 **Harley:** What happened?

 **Cassie:** He’d been down in the quantum realm when it happened and has been stuck down there ever since

 **Harley:** Five years down there by himself, that must’ve been rough

 **Cassie:** That’s the thing, it had only been five hours for him

 **Cassie:** He’s leaving in the morning for the Avengers’ Compound, he thinks he has an idea to bring everyone back

 **Harley:** For real?

 **Harley:** Holy shit

 **Cassie:** I know

 **Cassie:** After everything we’ve been through in the last five years, just the thought that we might get everyone else back is making me giddy

 **Cassie:** That or I drank too much caffeine again

 **Harley:** I taught you well young one

***

**Incoming call: Cassie Lang**

_Cassie, what’s wrong?_

_My Mom and stepdad just reappeared in the living room_

_What the fuck?_

_They did it, they’ve brought everyone back_

_Holy shit. Listen, Cass, I’ve got to go. I’ll talk to you soon_

_Talk to you soon_

**Call ended**

***

**Cassie - > Harley**

**Cassie:** _I have a feeling that this year is going to be a great year_ she said

 **Cassie:** And she was right!

 **Cassie:** Everyone came back from the dead

 **Cassie:** Hate to say it, but it turns out that you were the problem

 **Harley:** There was a massive fight at the Compound just after they brought everyone back

 **Cassie:** What?

 **Harley:** Don’t worry, your Dad is okay, so’s Hope

 **Cassie:** I’m sensing a but

 **Harley:** Tony’s dead

 **Cassie:** Oh my god

 **Harley:** Natasha as well

 **Cassie:** Harley, I’m so sorry

 **Cassie:** I know how close you and Tony were

 **Cassie:** If you need to talk, I’m here for you okay

 **Harley:** Thank

 **Cassie:** Welc

*******

**Harley - > Cassie**

**Harley:** Are you going to the funerals?

 **Cassie:** Yeah, I’m just packing my stuff now

 **Cassie:** I feel kinda awkward because I wasn’t particularly close to either of them, but my Dad was and I want to be there for him

 **Cassie:** And you, obviously

 **Harley:** Thanks, that means a lot

 **Cassie:** See you there

 **Harley:** See you there

*******

**Cassie - > Harley**

**Cassie:** Did you meet the Barton kids?

 **Harley:** Yeah, why?

 **Cassie:** What did you think of them?

 **Harley:** They seemed nice

 **Harley:** I finally got to meet Tony’s intern. He was pretty cool. Just sucks that it took Tony’s funeral for us to finally meet

 **Cassie:** That Shuri seemed pretty nice as well

 **Harley:** Yeah, she did

 **Cassie:** Did you meet Wanda?

 **Harley:** Only very briefly, she seemed more concerned about the Barton kids. They all looked pretty close

 **Cassie:** Yeah, well everyone needs a surrogate older sibling that understands superhero bullshit

 **Harley:** I feel oddly touched

 **Cassie:** Don’t get used to it

*******

**Wanda Maximoff created the group chat “the kiddos”**

**Wanda Maximoff added Cooper Barton**

**Wanda Maximoff added Lila Barton**

**Wanda Maximoff added Harley Keener**

**Wanda Maximoff added Peter Parker**

**Wanda Maximoff added Shuri Udaku**

**Wanda Maximoff added Cassie Lang**


End file.
